The following is an interview with Satan conducted this past summer.

Chuck: It's great to finally meet up with you. You're a very hard man to track down. Satan: Well, you need to look in the right place ... or the wrong one, if you will.

C: Indeed. Before we get started, what would you like me to call you? Mr. Lucifer? Beelzebub? Prince of Darkness?

S: Oh, you can just call me Floyd. I'm a pretty normal guy - you've probably seen me around.

C: Sounds good, Floyd. Let's get straight to the important stuff. How do you think the presidential race is going so far?

F: (Groan). To be honest, it's not that exciting since I know the outcome. How about I tell you who will win the primaries? The Republican Party is going to support Rudy Giuliani. Nothing too surprising. You really think I'd let a Mormon win? People might rather have me running the country! As far as the Democratic Party goes, it was basically up to me to decide which soul was the most desirable. Hillary Clinton was my first pick, but after further review, I realized she is actually too evil for the presidency. So, I went with John Edwards. His continued talk about the poor makes me so happy. What kind of guy could talk about helping the poor and then spend $1,200 on a haircut? That's like David Vitter talking about ethics and then showing up on the phone lists of the D.C. Madam - which was one of my prouder moments. Oh, and I love how he has his wife fight his battles for him. It's so cute watching her stick up for her husband. I get confused as to which one is the man in the relationship. Those two are like family to me.

C: Let's talk about Clinton a little. Has she ever been involved with you before?

F: There have been times when I think she's my boss. Have you seen her in debates? She makes me blush. In 2002, she supported the war. In 2003, she wanted to stay involved in Iraq. In 2004, she admitted Hussein was a problem. In 2005, she didn't want to set a withdrawal date, and now she's running on a campaign of ending this war, even to the extent of not funding your soldiers. You can't learn that kind of evilness in the classroom. Oh, and her obsession with socialized health care is just phenomenal. Karl Marx and I have talked about her over dinner numerous times, and to put it bluntly, he's jealous of Bill.

C: Speaking of Bill, has he ever been in cahoots with you?

F: Let's just say Bill and I go way back. You remember those Puerto Rican terrorists' sentences that he commuted in 1999? A person with a conscience couldn't do that; it was all me. And the whole Lewinsky scandal? You really think a guy like him could get action in the Oval Office without my assistance? And don't even get me started on the Middle East. If Bill wanted to, he could've captured Osama bin Laden two or three times. But, he left that mess for the next president, which made me and my partners quite happy. While I like to take the credit, I must share some with him for the attacks on Sept. 11. C: So you've basically had your hand in every presidency?

F: Remember those dead people who voted in 1960? Well, they actually did vote! I set up special booths on the second and third levels of Hell just for that election. And the recount in 2000, I -

C: You mean Gore actually won?

F: (Laughter.) Well, I tried my hardest to help Gore, but even I couldn't fix that election. He had no chance in hell. And if he thinks it's hot on Earth, wait until he dies. And with that, I need to get running. If you ever need anything, anything at all, just let me know.

C: Where can I find you?

F: Oh, I'll be around.

Chuck Armstrong is a senior in electronic media production. Please send comments to opinion@spub.ksu.edu.