Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

If you’re not afraid of sock puppets, you soon will be.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Don’t think about pink elephants.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

That’s no moon. It’s a space station.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Don’t let MacGyver inspire your next haircut.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

This week has a crunchy start and yellow aftertaste.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Tuesday has something furry in store for you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Start your conversations with the proclamation “Alas!”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A strange dream will haunt you with visions of mangoes.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your inner child will have ADHD this week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you blink and miss it, try jumping jacks.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Who was that masked man, anyway?

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) 

Wednesday smells like calamine lotion.