Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You don’t have any solid weekend plans yet and it’s stressing you out. The stars say you still won’t know anything for sure come Friday — you’ll be scrambling to figure something out and it’ll be really entertaining for the rest of us to watch.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

If there’s something you want to do, the stars say you should just do it. Soon. Before the opportune moment passes by you faster than time to study for your midterms will.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You owe it to yourself to have a little fun this weekend. The stars say it’s OK to go nuts — but definitely just this once.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You’re too attached to campus wildlife. The stars say if you don’t start keeping your distance from the campus squirrels you’ll get what’s coming to you.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You’ve been wrapped up in everyone else’s lives all week, but the stars say you’ll be forced to face your own problems as the weekend rolls around.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Text back the person you’ve been avoiding. The stars say you won’t regret it as much as you think you will.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The stars say the rest of your week will be as dull as always.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The stars say to stay away from raw cookie dough, no matter how lonely you get this weekend. We know you know what happened to Joan Rivers.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Everything sucks lately, but just know that the stars say at the end of the week, you’re going to come across some bubble wrap and everything will be OK.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

This week you’ve been feeling like if it weren’t for Netflix, you wouldn’t have a reason to get up in the morning. The stars say this weekend will be better, though. Probably.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You don’t go out much — we know, we know…homework — but the stars say this weekend you will. And you’ll go too hard. And there’s no avoiding it.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

No one can really figure you out. But it’s fine. The stars say it’s fine.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.