Slightly sarcastic spring break horoscopes

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PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your spring break plans may have come up rather quickly, but your grades won’t after your midterm scores are added in.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The stars see lots of bars in your spring break 2017 — it’s unclear if those are the fun kind of bars or the jail kind. Good luck either way.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You’ll regret it if you spend your spring break all alone. Just kidding. The stars say it’s best to cut ties with everyone over vacation if you want any chance of restoring your sanity before the semester restarts.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Spring break 2017 will be a time to burn bridges. Seriously, there will be some really bored maniacs out there who have nothing better to do with their time off than light bridges on fire. Avoid hikes or other activities involving bridges.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You’ll actually have a really good time this spring break, the stars foresee, which is funny because you’re generally an unlucky duck. Enjoy the good fortune while it lasts.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You’ve been pre-gaming for spring break since the semester started, which seemed like a dumb idea to the rest of us until about right now. Look whose genius is showing.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

There’s a price to pay to the party gods for people who spend their spring breaks studying. Remember that.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your heart will definitely be stuck with someone sweet back home over spring break, which is super unfortunate because the stars say you’ll meet several hot someones on vacation. Bummer.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’re still wearing sweaters. Get it together. Spring break will only have room for bro-tanks and sandals, even if it’s still like 46 degrees out.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

No one will have more good, unclean fun over spring break than you, so be careful who you drag along on your vacation adventures. Some people prefer peace and quiet, you know.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

If you don’t put your books away over break, the stars say something really unfortunate will happen to you — like studying. Yikes.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

If you were thinking of spending spring break relaxing, think again. You will inevitably get dragged into the vacation shenanigans of a Sagittarius, so buckle up, buttercup.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.