Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your sleep schedule has been off for the past six years. Stop trying to fix it — you’re wasting your time.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Spring has you in the mood to try to grow some plants, but the stars advise against this. You do not have a green thumb and you will kill everything you touch.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Just spend the next four days in your house. The stars say there’s nothing good out there in the world for you right now.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

If you’re thinking of cutting your hair soon, don’t. Now seems like the time for a fresh look, but the stars say nothing good will come from change right now.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

The stars say you should avoid forks all weekend. Don’t ask, just avoid.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Coffee won’t fill the void in your heart. Sorry.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Do something productive. Like finish that last season of the Netflix show you’ve been binging. You can do this! We believe in you.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Your usual matters of the heart will turn into actual affairs of the heart when things take a dramatic turn this weekend. You won’t be able to handle it, but it’ll be entertaining for the rest of us.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ve been so glum lately. Cheer up. Please. (Seriously, though — blue is not your color and your cloudy mood has had you purchasing a lot of it for your wardrobe. Stop.)

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your life’s a mess right now, and don’t you know it? But the stars say to at least wait until after the weekend to start getting it together.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your emotional stability is probably paper-thin right now, but hey, that’s nothing sleeping for 17 straight hours can’t fix.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

One of your roommates may secretly be conspiring against you. Don’t let this information make you paranoid or anything (yet) – just beware.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.