Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Don’t even think about it. You know exactly what I’m talking about, and the stars see you, you know.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You might be feeling a little bit like a puppet on a string lately, and that’s because you are. Keep your eyes peeled for conniving acquaintances this week.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Avoid speaking this week. There are a lot of juicy things you’ll be glad you kept to yourself. That, and the stars are getting kind of tired of the sound of your voice. Just give it a rest for a while.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Dig up your spy gear — a friend is going to need your help with an FBI-level investigation of his or her potential love interest this week.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

People suck, but you knew that. Follow your heart — stick to pizza and ice cream this week, and you can’t go wrong.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Not feeling like yourself lately? That’s OK. You desperately need to shake things up anyway. Desperately.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Drama, drama, drama. Unfortunately, none of it is your own. Bummer.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Skeletons in the closet? We know. You’d better get to spring cleaning before anyone else finds out.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The spirit of spring break is never-ending for you, but we won’t even try to warn you to tone it down. There’s no point — you just can’t be tamed.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your thoughts have been ocean-deep lately, and your friends are getting bored of your constant philosophical rambling. Lighten up.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your love life is thriving — kind of. Don’t worry, though. Your secret sweetie will notice you soon. Probably.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You feel like a fish out of water all week this week (Pisces joke intended), but don’t fret — reconnecting with an old friend will help keep you grounded.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.