Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

We know you haven’t noticed, but you shout so much. Tone it down.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Grouchy probably isn’t your middle name, but it should be. Clean up your vibe.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

No one trusts you, but you already knew that. Naturally, we have nothing else to say to you.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Yellow is one of spring’s loveliest colors, but not on you. Don’t fight us on this one because you know we’re not wrong. Avoid articles of yellow clothing like the plague.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

CALM THE HECK DOWN. Your personality’s panic mode is absolutely terrifying for the rest of us, OK?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Go shopping. Your wardrobe is all over the place right now. Just so we’re clear, it is spring now and it is not acceptable to wear winter fuzzy socks with sandals.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Waiting around for someone to ask you out? Don’t bother. No one is worth your time, and you know it. If you’re really that lonely, get a pet. Or a plant or something.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You have a strong tendency to ignore our advice, so we won’t even bother writing any for you this week. Have a nice life.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

We know about the thing you’re thinking of doing, and we’re going to need you not to do it. Isn’t there some other way to spice up your life that doesn’t involve so many llamas? (Yeah, we see you.)

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You haven’t done anything even remotely interesting in months. Take a risk, would you? Go bungee jumping. Wing something you shouldn’t wing. Ask out someone hot (not Libra, though … they’re quite happy with their plant companion already).

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You turn into an angsty teenager at every slight inconvenience. Put on your big kid undies and start handling life like an adult before life starts handling you like an adult.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

No one wants to hear about the the struggles of your major or how much you hate pulp in your orange juice. Focus on the big picture and spare us the details. Please.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.