Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

It’s really a good thing you’re cute because your recent hot-headed behavior would not sit well with us otherwise.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

We know you know all the answers. Know-it-all.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

According to our calculations, you’ve spent approximately 63.79 percent of your life dead asleep. Just so you know.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Who spit in your cereal? One of your roommates, probably. Avoid munching on cereal for the rest of this week, just to be safe.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You’ve been worrying about your hair a lot lately, and honestly, you should. Tame the mane.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Yeah, you can just kiss sleeping soundly goodbye for this week. This is what you get for spreading yourself too thin — yet again.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

We know flirting is your favorite pastime, but flirting with fate? You’ve turned it into an art. Good thing you know what you’re doing, right?

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your attitude is a recipe for disaster. We dig that. Don’t you change a thing.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

We weren’t going to tell you this way, but we can’t watch this anymore. Your whole life is one very long dad joke. This should explain a lot.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You have absolutely zero time to relax. Which is fine because you’d suck at it anyway.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

We like to give you a hard time, but it’s only because you’re secretly our favorite sign. Except for when you listen to obnoxiously obscure music, which is always.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Yikes, you are just not going to be very photogenic this week.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.