Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

I’d say, “Happy Taurus season,” but there’s not really about to be anything happy about it, to be honest.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

You’ve been feeling under the weather lately, but…yeah, there’s not really a but. You’re just going to keep feeling under the weather for a while.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

If nostalgia’s hitting you hard this week, just let it happen. We all know you secretly love wallowing in the past, anyway.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

How much would we have to pay you to stop talking for a few seconds? Name your price, Chatty Cathy.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

How do you feel about bangs? You should get bangs.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Everyone tells you you talk too much, but an admirer finds your lack of ability to keep your trap shut kind of endearing. What a weirdo.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Silly Scorpio! Tricks are for kids. You’re a grownup now, so it’d be in your best interest to lay the facade to rest.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

We know your secret — you haven’t done laundry in like two weeks. But that’s OK because you still have a shining personality.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Drop everything and take a nice little trip to Canada this weekend. Better get going before your 17,237 responsibilities catch up to you.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Laugh all you’d like, but you’re really no cooler than the rest of us, and not-so-deep down, you know it.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You’ve made frenemy in someone you believe to be generally unassuming. Probably because they could sense you silently labeling them as generally unassuming.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The signs are everywhere and you, our precious little oblivious cupcake, are just missing them all. Pay attention.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.