Slightly educated horoscopes

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TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

I don’t know who lied to you, but just because you’re about to finally actually obtain your degree does not mean your sleep cycle will magically reset after four+ years of borderline school-induced insomnia. Sorry to ruin the illusion.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

It’s official now: you peaked in college. But at least you have your degree, so when you’re out in the real world doing something professional and boring, you can always look back on the good times you had while struggling to earn your degree.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Trying to impress your crush? You can’t go wrong with cooking skills. Or finally collecting your college degree. That’s a big one, too — ya know, stability and all. Good thing you have at least that to offer.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You still don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re,’ but you’re about to walk out of here with a degree that will make employers assume you do. And isn’t that all that matters?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

What I learned in college is…is…? Yeah, we’re not sure either, but you’re bound to figure it out and be able to use it for something eventually.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

A job? You could probably get yourself a good one of those now. Or you could just continue your hunt for a rich spouse. But uhgg — those plans both sound equally exhausting.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Graduation day can and will be incredibly stressful. We don’t really have any good advice for making it any less stressful — we’re just giving you a heads up.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Good luck out there in the real world. (Honestly, you’ll need it more than any of the other signs, so we’ll check in even after you graduate to make sure you’re not making too much of a mess of things. You’re welcome.)

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Congratulations, oh prepared one. Finally throwing your social life away every year for four+ years in-a-row is about to actually be worth something.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Look at you, graduating and stuff. Don’t you just feel like a grown-up now? Yeah, we didn’t think so. You’ll always just be kind of adolescent, generally speaking.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

C’s get degrees, and degrees get — well, they get you something. We’re not really sure what, but probably something.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You have that degree and you’re finally free — until you stop celebrating for a second and remember that you’re actually neck-deep in student debt…but that degree, though.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.