Slightly sarcastic horoscopes with Madam LoCoco: week of June 7

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Do not let the pressure of classes get you stuck in that stodgy, analytical mindset. You will freeze up like a deer in the headlights and never get anything done. Lighten up a little. Go with the flow. Embrace your stupid.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): A friend is in need of your help, and you will not hesitate—even though you should—to give it to them. Do not search out the whole story. You will be sorry if you do. This is an ugly one, and the less you know, the better you can feel about yourself when it is all over.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Out with the old and in with the new. That is your mantra this week, Leo. Now is the time to drop anything that tires and bores you like a hot potato. Including that stinker of a relationship you have been holding onto for some reason — the Stars will never understand.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Spending this week straightening out all of those little niggling problems, one at a time. Slowly, though. That way, the unfortunate soul you are passing the buck to will not realize the small responsibility you unloaded upon them is interconnected with all of the larger, hairier problems they’re also now responsible for until it is too late.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): This week finds you injecting hidden meaning and nuance into every detail, dissecting every twist and turn of conversation, and paying rapt attention to the most mundane of details until you are completely wrapped up in the minutiae. You are really at the top of your intellectual game this week, Libra—no wonder your friends were so annoyed.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The better angels of your virtue have been hinting to you that it is time to bury the hatchet, clear the air and drop all of those deep-seated grudges you were holding onto for months. Gosh, what are you going to do with all of that extra energy now? You better get a hobby (or three) and fast.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Put that well-hidden charm and charisma to good use and turn on the charm with that special dude or lady you have been not-so-conspicuously eyeing up. That is, if you can handle the mental strain required for such a sweeping romantic overture on top of your heavy course load. You can not afford another failing grade, and alas, romance is your worst subject.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): The Stars know that being thrifty goes against your natural inclinations, but you really need to stop throwing cash around trying to appear impressive and well-off. Google “basic budgeting” and educate yourself, because at the rate you are going, you can hardly afford to pay attention.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Take advantage of the fresh start the summer semester has afforded you and get to work on your goals. Those lofty plans have been hanging over your head like a storm cloud, so get in gear. You have only a small window of clarity and a huge backlog of tasks to put into motion before it snaps shut on your lazy ass.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): The true reason for your indecision about damn near everything is that you feel like you do not have enough information. Fire up Google, go to the library and spend time looking under every rock in town if you have to. Do stop until you have found it. But wait…do you even know what you are looking for?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Every single person you cross paths with this week will try your frayed nerves with their nonstop kvetching and vapid prattling on. Take a deep breath, count to ten, smile and nod and then withdraw as fast as you can. Step quickly and do not make eye contact. At this point, it is the only way you will avoid committing a felony.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): The start of this semester might seem like an uphill struggle, but you have to trust that things will level back out eventually if you just persevere. Or you could just stop fighting gravity and take a tuck-and-roll tumble down the hill instead. Might be more fun that way.

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Iris LoCoco
Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.