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May 21 – June 20
Fortune has smiled upon you this week, Gemini, so go ahead and fill your week with questionable choices made on flimsy premises. You do not really have that much to lose, after all. It is already all gone, isn’t it?
June 21 – July 22
People who always dress up look extra attractive when they dress casually. The opposite is also true. Unfortunately for you, people who look ugly naked remain so no matter what they do. Oh well.
July 23 – Aug. 22
Sorry to hear about your venereal disease. Just know that the herpes virus considers you a kind and welcoming host. Well, you always wanted a love that would never leave you. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
If everything falls into place and everything you can think of has been accomplished for the week, you either are not aiming high enough or you are lying to yourself. But hey, it is always a good idea to have a stash of unrealistic goals to draw on in a pinch.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
There is a positive side to every negative thing. Anger with a purpose is called passion. Sadness that heals is called empathy. A projectile vomiting episode in your biology lab is a much-needed break.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
The time for long-suffering kindness is over. You are looking at the opportunity to forgive and forget in the rearview mirror. Now go dig up that hatchet and start sharpening. You are going to need it.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
It is no big secret that you are an intolerant jackass. Count yourself lucky that anyone wants to hang out with you at all considering your astonishing lack of any positive traits. Hey, wait, why is that, anyway? Hmm…
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Grudges are like holding onto a hot cinder so you can chuck it at someone later. Premeditated acts of arson committed under cover of darkness are much more effective.
You have been in such an upbeat and gregarious mood this week, and your social life is opening up as a result. There could be an exciting summer trip in your future. Good timing, because you will have lots of new friends to sign your body cast after you drunkenly face-plant down a staircase.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Feb. 19 – March 20
Keep your true agenda well hidden until your entire plan is in place. If anyone finds out what you are really up to, they are bound to make a sport of interfering. You might want to consider surrounding yourself with more unobservant, stupid friends.
Are you a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person? Your friends keep asking, but in your case, the level of the liquid is irrelevant, so long as the beverage itself contains enough alcohol to make your personality moderately tolerable.
March 21 – April 19
Switch up your shopping routine by trying out the fancy, expensive brand of toilet paper for once. Pretend it is the lover you desperately wish you had gently caressing your bottom. Maybe this will put you in a better mood, or at least put enough of a damper on the self-pity party that you can get something done.
April 20 – May 20