Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of June 28

0
170

Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Legality is mostly a matter of geography and perspective. So go ahead and skinny dip in that fountain. Plus, he is just a mall cop and probably can’t even arrest you, anyway.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Stop rage-reading the news and take a nap. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is seriously lacking in revolutionary zeal.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

This week is a mess and you will be, too. Just snort some [DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up one nostril and some [OTHER DRUG CENSORED BY EDITOR] up the other and let God or the Stars (or whoever) sort out the rest.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Gift your haters a can of bug spray and some KY jelly, so the “OFF!” they can f*** will always be there when they need it.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your soul is like a field of wildflowers: beautiful, free and often full of bees.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

With a little preparation and the right tools, you will nail that job interview. (The tool is a nail gun. Bring a nail gun.)

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Stop worrying about seeming organized. A human mind is supposed to be a messy, confusing place. You know who have well-organized minds? Serial killers.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The Stars responsible for your horoscopes today said nothing and gave me an old shoelace and a half-eaten moldy apple. Perhaps you know what these mean?

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your love is like the night sky: boundless, ineffable and totally unattainable to anyone who did not spend at least a decade studying it professionally.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

It is a fact of physics that you run fastest while naked. Do with this information what you will.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Manners make people tolerate some truly terrible things. Know when it is time to tell that guy to f*** off.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Due to a technical error beyond the Stars’ control, all Geminis can now communicate telepathically with pigeons if they just concentrate really, really hard.

Advertisement
SHARE
Iris LoCoco
Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.