Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of July 5

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Oh, crap. The Stars wanted to warn you, but now it is too late. You have already gotten out of bed, haven’t you?

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You blink, and your lengthy to-do list morphs into a list of your personal deficiencies. You will never cross any of the items off.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

A conversation that leaves you feeling warm and inspired leaves your counterpart rolling their eyes. One man’s substance is another man’s nitrous oxide.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Honesty is not always the best policy. You really should have lied on that job application.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Be bold this week. Go right up to that secret crush you have been harboring and ask them on a date. They will say no, of course, but learning to take this kind of rejection builds character.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Finding it difficult to explain to your girlfriend why you were passed out on the lawn with no pants on? Do not. A little mystery keeps a relationship sizzling.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Respect is something that must be earned. You have been languishing in the unemployment line for years. Sorry, Capricorn, but some people just suck.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Meditate and find peace in silence now as practice for later when you will have to find peace among a cacophony of assholes.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Have you tried talking to them about it? Why not? Do you not think you should be able to? Wow. Coward.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Nostalgia is poisonous. Growth is the only known antidote. Well, not really. Vodka works too, but you need more of it.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

What most people would call “mistakes” are what great artists call “style,” and you, Taurus, are the Piero Manzoni of human imperfection.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

If you find yourself in a spot of trouble, throw off suspicion by waggling your eyebrows pointedly. No one truly guilty ever pulls crap like that.

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Iris LoCoco
Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.