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Oh, crap. The Stars wanted to warn you, but now it is too late. You have already gotten out of bed, haven’t you?
June 21 – July 22
You blink, and your lengthy to-do list morphs into a list of your personal deficiencies. You will never cross any of the items off.
July 23 – Aug. 22
A conversation that leaves you feeling warm and inspired leaves your counterpart rolling their eyes. One man’s substance is another man’s nitrous oxide.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Honesty is not always the best policy. You really should have lied on that job application.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Be bold this week. Go right up to that secret crush you have been harboring and ask them on a date. They will say no, of course, but learning to take this kind of rejection builds character.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Finding it difficult to explain to your girlfriend why you were passed out on the lawn with no pants on? Do not. A little mystery keeps a relationship sizzling.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Respect is something that must be earned. You have been languishing in the unemployment line for years. Sorry, Capricorn, but some people just suck.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Meditate and find peace in silence now as practice for later when you will have to find peace among a cacophony of assholes.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Have you tried talking to them about it? Why not? Do you not think you should be able to? Wow. Coward.
Feb. 19 – March 20
Nostalgia is poisonous. Growth is the only known antidote. Well, not really. Vodka works too, but you need more of it.
March 21 – April 19
What most people would call “mistakes” are what great artists call “style,” and you, Taurus, are the Piero Manzoni of human imperfection.
April 20 – May 20
If you find yourself in a spot of trouble, throw off suspicion by waggling your eyebrows pointedly. No one truly guilty ever pulls crap like that.