Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of July 12

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

This week you will spend all of the money in your wallet on something that will offer you only very brief relief from the perpetual misery of your life.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

To learn how a frog’s body works, ancient scientists had to dissect it while it was still alive. The frog always died. Lots of things in your life are like frogs.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Make sure you are sending clear signals about what’s really on your mind to a classmate, co-worker or supervisor. Try leaving a dead possum in the break room fridge.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Technically, anything could be considered art. That does not mean it is good art, though. Keep this in mind when both applying makeup and dressing yourself.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Every night you go without sleep is like drinking twelve bottles of beer. This is a warning, Scorpio, not a challenge.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

The creeping sense of dread you feel can be resolved by hurling yourself dramatically onto the floor while beating your fists and shouting “NO!” repeatedly.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The Stars responsible for your horoscope did not have much to say this week, so consider this one like a free space on the Bingo card.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Great news, Aquarius! The answer will probably be yes! Do still bring along the sledge hammer though, just in case.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Should have hedged your bets, Pisces. You can’t ever afford not to, unless you were born an heiress.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Always remember to ask yourself: What can I do about it? Then ask: Is doing that legal? And lastly: Do I really care if it isn’t?

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Nothing that beckons ever turns out to be good. Good things do not need to beckon. Remember this when you go to Aggieville this Saturday night.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Projecting your anger onto a well-meaning old friend is a big no-no. Instead, try projecting your anger onto a newer friend who has less chance of anticipating the blowup and avoiding you.

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