Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of July 19

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CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You are the sun at the center of the solar system that is your social circle, and your friends are the planets. At least, that is what you think. Beware the Roman Inquisition.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The grass that seems so much greener from the other side of the fence is actually an endless field of glowing nuclear waste.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

It is only fun and games until someone pokes their eye out. In fact, sometimes it is even more fun after that. Make sure you are on the right end of the stick.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

A manager or colleague might approach you at work this week desperately seeking your input, which you should avoid giving. Your reputation really cannot afford any more hanky-panky in the workplace.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Put your life on cruise control for a while. You have been flooring the gas pedal for so long you are starting to lose feeling in your leg. Just remember: even with cruise control, you still have to steer.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

What began as an innocent flirtation will soon turn into a life-altering, soul-wrecking emotional rollercoaster of an experience that will leave your ego broken and bruised on the side of a remote village road in the Yukon. Have a fantastic week!

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

No matter how late you stay up studying, even the most basic facts slip through your mind like a sieve. Good practice is no match for bad genetics.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

This week you will gain exciting new insights that allow you to clearly grasp all sides of a complicated argument. Unfortunately, it is not an election year, so no one cares.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You have spent most of this summer waiting for the Hands of Fate to guide you toward your destiny. Finally, those hands have hammered a large sign into the ground right at your eye level. Hopefully you will see it this time.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Money might be very tight from now on, so beware of stretching your budget anticipating future income. Although, honestly, you are already in college, so it might be a little late for that.

[taurus] You will have an awkward encounter with a fruit vendor at the farmers market this weekend after belatedly realizing that “pom” looks an awful lot like “porn” in the right typeface.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Despite overwhelming setbacks, your inner optimist is still coming out on top this week. Meanwhile, your pragmatic side is sighing heavily and measuring it for its casket.

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