If Big 12 quarterbacks were fast food chains

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Jesse Ertz, Kansas State senior, prepares to take on the Charlotte 49ers at Bill Snyder Family Stadium on Sept. 9, 2017. (File photo by Logan Wassall | Collegian Media Group)

Have you ever wondered what quarterbacks would be if they were fast food? Have no fear.

Oklahoma – Baker Mayfield

McDonald’s. He plays for the Big 12’s name brand school, Oklahoma. McDonald’s is the name brand fast food restaurant. Too much Mayfield will make your defense look sluggish and tired, just like too much McDonald’s will make you slow and tired.

Oklahoma State – Mason Rudolph

Wendy’s. Rudolph is not exactly the first thing you think of you think of when you think of the Big 12 quarterbacks, just like Wendy’s. He’s hit and miss, but when he’s on, he is arguably better than McDonald’s. One Baconator to go, please.

TCU – Kenny Hill

Whataburger. Hill experienced extreme hype based on a couple games when he was with Texas A&M, but has been slightly underwhelming ever since. You expect greasy goodness, but instead you get a soggy bun and cold fries.

KU – Peyton Bender

Taco Bell. It is late at night, David Beaty is hungry and still needs a quarterback, so Bender probably sounds really good. Then the next morning rolls around, and your body finds a way to let you know that Taco Bell wasn’t the best choice. But, like KU’s coach David Beaty, you did not have much of a choice that late at night.

Baylor – Zach Smith

Arby’s. He’s not exactly what Baylor fans thought they were getting, just like how Arby’s is no one’s first choice. He will get the job done though; like how, at Arby’s, you can always get enough meat to satisfy your eternal despair.

K-State – Jesse Ertz

Long John Silver’s. As of lately, Ertz has been kind of bland with his plays. Maybe it’s the apparent knee injury, but it just doesn’t sound as good as it used to when it first came out. Before the entree, you make sure the Tums are nearby.

Texas – Sam Ehlinger

Qdoba. Ehlinger is really good, but somehow gets overshadowed by the other quarterbacks on his own team. Qdoba has more options, just like Ehlinger does. Ehlinger’s running is the three-cheese queso on top of the burrito, and his throwing is like the free guacamole you get on the burrito.

West Virginia – Will Grier

Burger King. Like Burger King, Grier started in Florida but ended up being everywhere. Grier can make throws all over the field, just like Burger King put restaurants all over the country. It doesn’t hurt that his receivers can flame-broil the opposing secondaries.

Texas Tech – Nic Shimonek

Culver’s. Really good, but isn’t looked into that much because of their competitors such as Shake Shack and Whataburger. Culver’s is kind of forgotten, but is probably one of the best chains out there. Grab your honey mustard and chicken tenders.

Iowa State – Joel Lanning

Golden Corral. Lanning isn’t always the starting quarterback for Iowa State, he’s also a linebacker. You look at Lanning like he’s a buffet: he has a little bit of everything and has enough of him to go around all over the team.

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DeAundra Allen
I'm DeAundra Allen, co-editor-in-chief and sports editor at the Collegian. I'm a junior in broadcast journalism and pre-law, with a minor in philosophy. I was born in Brighton, Colorado, home of La Placita and the Bulldogs. I moved to Kansas in 2010, and fell in love with press boxes at a young age. In my spare time, I talk about my pets, sports, and work towards going to law school.
  • Tom Souter

    Lanning is one hellva football player.