If Big 12 wide receivers were soda brands

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Kansas State wide receiver Dalton Schoen attempts to catch a pass during the football match between Kansas State University and University of Texas, Austin at Darrell K Royal Stadium on Oct. 7, 2017. (File photo by Cooper Kinley | Collegian Media Group)

Pour some high fructose corn syrup on me — it’s time to get our hands sticky, quench our thirst and talk about wide receivers.

Texas – Collin Johnson

Jarritos. A super fizzy, strongly flavored bottled soda with a real kick. The first gulp you take out of this puppy is bound to make your eyes water, your lips pucker and have you begging for more. The Texas sophomore has accumulated 535 receiving yards, and after every game, he leaves Texas fans begging for more. One more gulp of this guy and he’s bound to make his one touchdown into five.

Oklahoma – Mark Andrews

Sun Drop. The citrus-flavored, thirst-quenching drink that no one ever hears about anymore, and if they do, it’s minimal. Maybe it’s because they’re overshadowed by their competitors, the “originals” in the citrus-flavored sodas. Maybe it’ll make a comeback, maybe it will continue to be overshadowed.

Oklahoma State – James Washington

Dr Pepper. A front runner for the United States. A very distinct, acquired taste that is universally loved. The blend of 23 flavors makes it practically irresistible. Both Dr Pepper and Washington are Texas-made, so they could be the next best combination to date.

Kansas – Steven Sims Jr.

Mountain Dew. “The Dew” is notorious for going flat within ten minutes, and has become one of those drinks you kind of just expect it from. Maybe it’s the maker, maybe it’s the packaging, no one really knows. If it goes that flat that fast, imagine what it will be towards the end of the season.

K-State – Dalton Schoen

Coke. It’s definitely considered a cult classic throughout the world. Even though Schoen just now got some playing time this year, he’s bound to be on the same shelf as Coke within the next season. A widely known favorite, it is best when served cold. However, when it gets too warm, it makes it bitter and less smooth down the pipe.

Texas Tech – Keke Coutee

Mello Yello. Sure, he is not Texas Tech legend Michael Crabtree, but he’s still pretty awesome. But, just like Mello Yello, he is aiming for Crabtree’s records. Mello Yello isn’t Mountain Dew, but for those of us who have been enlightened, we know what the best citrus soda is.

West Virginia – David Sills V

Off-brand Dr Pepper. You are 13 years old at a birthday party and your friend’s mom pulls out the Dr. Thunder. You see the maroon and read “Dr.” and get excited, then you read “Thunder.” Sills V is kind of like this feeling. He was supposed to be a star quarterback at the University of Southern California when he was 13. He was then released from his commitment and lost the touch on his throws due to an injury. Now he is crushing opposing secondaries at West Virginia as a wide receiver.

Iowa State – Hakeem Butler

A two-liter bottle of generic soda that your roommate opened and then forgot to put the lid on. It was probably great early on, but now it’s lacking. Butler is similar — his season trajectory is the opposite of his team’s. Iowa State started 2-2, and in those early games he had 19 receptions for 296 yards. Since then, the Cyclones have gone 3-0 and Butler has four catches for only 81 yards. He was basically silent in their huge win at Oklahoma, one catch for 54 yards, and hasn’t scored since a week two loss to the University of Iowa.

Baylor – Denzel Mims

Vault. Vault was a delicious, if incredibly caffeinated citrus soda. Mims is a tall, strong and incredibly electric wide receiver. Coke’s marketing for Vault, “Drinks like a soda, kicks like an energy drink,” applies to Mims as well. Call it, “Catches like a receiver, runs like a gazelle.”

TCU – John Diarse

RC Cola. You don’t think about him very much, and he is not marketed all that well. RC Cola plays third fiddle to two of the most recognizable brands in the world, Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Likewise, Diarse plays third fiddle to the running backs and the defense at TCU. He’s truly under-appreciated for his skills, just like RC Cola.

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DeAundra Allen
I'm DeAundra Allen, co-editor-in-chief and sports editor at the Collegian. I'm a junior in broadcast journalism and pre-law, with a minor in philosophy. I was born in Brighton, Colorado, home of La Placita and the Bulldogs. I moved to Kansas in 2010, and fell in love with press boxes at a young age. In my spare time, I talk about my pets, sports, and work towards going to law school.