Slightly sarcastic social media ‘scopes

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Tap or click your sign to jump to that horoscope.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Happy you season, Scorpio! Now is the time to bask in the glow of the stars’ good graces — you know, before Sagittarius season starts and you have to go back to basking in your own inner darkness or whatever it is you usually do.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Ah, autumn. Love is in the air — and so are allergies. Do yourself a favor and get over your crush and under control before you do something embarrassing.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Do your part to save the bees because the stars can see you and the stars care deeply about the bees. That is all.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but you must first love yourself before you can expect the rest of us to grovel at your feet.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

LOL, you’re literally the worst at living in cold weather. Bundle up, buttercup, because winter is coming.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Don’t fight the groove. You know what we mean.

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

How do you feel about starting a jazz band? You should look into that and you know we’re right. Just saying. Now seems like a good time.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Your life could use a little spicing up. You could use a little spicing up. Go out and do something spicy.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

You’re doing great, sweetie. (Not really, but you’re trying and that counts.)

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

We’re pretty sure we’ve discussed this with you before, but, honey, you can’t survive on Pop-Tarts alone. Please expand your dietary horizons.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Consult with your most fashion-forward friend before going shoe shopping, because honestly, your taste in shoes is dusty and you need help.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

All aboard the Hot Mess Express! You’re a hooligan who doesn’t know when to stop doing hooligan stuff, but we can dig it. Don’t change.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.