If Big 12 coaches were dating websites

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Coach Bill Snyder talks into his headset during the game against Oklahoma at Bill Snyder Family Stadium in Manhattan, Kan. on Oct. 21, 2017. (File photo by Alanoud Alanazi | Collegian Media Group)

When you think about it, dating websites are like coaches for your love life. That said, here’s what football coaches in the Big 12 would be if they were dating sites.

Oklahoma State – Mike Gundy

Plenty of Fish. Instead of watching the University of Oklahoma versus Ohio State game in September, Gundy went turtle hunting to get those reptiles out of the pond. Why? Because turtles eat your fish. On this website, you can find all the fish you want and more. Gundy wants to protect his fish and get more fish. Gundy will get all the fish he likes.

Kansas – David Beaty

Zoosk. Wasn’t that well known, but it’s been getting more advertisement. People look at this site as kind of a last resort, and it’s not generally the first site people think of when they think of dating sites. It works out, though, because maybe it will get better with experience. … just maybe.

Baylor – Matt Rhule

Bumble. It’s pretty known that with a dating site, there are unspoken rules to not post photos of yourself shirtless, with your ex-girlfriend or posed in front of a car that is obviously not yours. However, my Spidey Sense tells me that Rhule would do all of those to get more dates.

Texas – Tom Herman

Match.com. Match is one of the old-timers, one of the first dating sites people ever heard about. Herman has been in and out of the state of Texas since the beginning of his coaching career. The only time Herman wasn’t in the state of Texas was from 2009-2014. His name has been passed around quite a lot, but he is sure to please a crowd with his mannerisms.

West Virginia – Dana Holgorsen

Elite Singles. Holgorsen seems like someone who would think he’s able to “bop” to the top. He also seems like someone that would post his resume on a dating site, because he doesn’t know how to socialize at times. I mean, what is Elite Singles, anyway?

K-State – Bill Snyder

Our Time. It’s not the most popular site around, but Our Time is a dating site specifically for people aged 50 years and older. Snyder is the oldest head coach in college football’s highest division, the Football Bowl Subdivision. Snyder is 76 years old and has been at K-State since 1989 (except for a hiatus from 2005-2009). Even though he is advanced in age, Snyder still has an incredibly sharp mind, remembering and reciting specific game situations and stats several days after the game.

TCU – Gary Patterson

Farmers Only. Patterson was raised in Rozell, Kansas, a town that had 156 people during the last census. He was raised on a farm and spent his youth helping his dad and other local farmers, and one day he would walk onto the football team at K-State and eventually work his way into coaching. At TCU, he built an excellent program. He also plays a mean acoustic guitar.

Oklahoma – Lincoln Riley

Tinder. Riley is the youngest coach in the FBS. Tinder is very popular among the younger crowd because it centers around a phone app and is really easy to use. It seems like people who have never really used a dating site use Tinder because it is so ubiquitous among people in their early 20s. Likewise, Oklahoma is Riley’s first head coaching job.

Iowa State – Matt Campbell

Tawkify. Technically, Tawkify considers itself a “matchmaking site” instead of a dating site. It tries to focus on the human aspect of love, even using human matchmakers instead of an algorithm. Campbell also seems to have built the surprising Iowa State program by focusing on the human element. He seems committed to Iowa State and building his program around core values that should provide success for years to come.

Texas Tech – Kliff Kingsbury

SpeedDate. Kingsbury has built his program around speed and throwing the ball, the same way other “Air Raid Offenses” have worked. SpeedDate allows singles to meet up to 15 different people in an hour. It’s like throwing a wide net and seeing what you can catch. It’s quantity of people over quality of the meeting, just like Texas Tech’s offense values high stats and high attempts over quality play.

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DeAundra Allen
I'm DeAundra Allen, co-editor-in-chief and sports editor at the Collegian. I'm a junior in broadcast journalism and pre-law, with a minor in philosophy. I was born in Brighton, Colorado, home of La Placita and the Bulldogs. I moved to Kansas in 2010, and fell in love with press boxes at a young age. In my spare time, I talk about my pets, sports, and work towards going to law school.