To the dastardly thief who stole my bike today: pink and purple is really not that hard to pick out. Karma lays a heavy hand, you weasel.

Nebraska sucks.

I’m pretty sure my roommate has worms.

Hey, Collegian, how about one of these days you deliver some papers over by McCain?

I hate it when people are on the phone in the car.

When I hear an old dog regurgitate garbage just before death, I think of the Rolling Stones.

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.

You wearin’ a thong? Yeah, I’m wearing a thong.

Congratulations, Riley County Police Department. You can give my roommate a DUI, but you can’t catch the serial rapist. Real nice.

To the guy wearing the bear suit: I’m not sure that’s the best way to pick up girls.

Hey, Fourum, this is your girlfriend, and I’m mad.

Fourum, you’re a whore. Call me back.

Does anyone else know that the world is supposed to come to an end tomorrow?

To all you girls out there: it’s not illegal to make eye contact with someone you don’t know.

So, we told a roommate to bring home a fat chick, and we picked one out for him at the bars, but he brought home an even fatter one.

Is it sad that I wish misfortune on myself so that I can have a speech topic?

It’s OK to leave class if you poop your pants.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up and walk it out?

Ladies, if you’re wanting to lose your virginity, please find me.

To the girl who chews: 8:30? Really?

My roommate and I are better at slap-fighting than you and your roommate.

The redheaded Irishman lost his virginity last week.

I need to put the parental block on my Facebook, so I’ll study more and Facebook less.

To the single junior: will sex be included?

I think the guy from “Sandlot” is living at Founder’s Hill.