This statement is a lie.

I just changed my drunken neighbor’s flat tire.

Who’s that gladiator in the black outfit? He’s awesome.

To the guy at the Old Stadium playing football: that was not my boyfriend. We should meet.

It takes two to text as well.

To the girl that sold me the parking pass around 4: I think I remember you. How can I find you?

Dear Fourum: available, 6-foot-3 slender male, slightly odd. Wait, really odd. Facebook creeps every night.

I’m in the mood for Kenny-palooza.

Thanks for putting my spork comment in the Best of the Fourum. I am so pumped.

I know the true identity of the Irishman, and he shall be outed soon.

My roommate needs a boy. Must be sexy. That is all.

Can someone tell me why Vattier and Butterfly Lane always smell like dog poop?

The Kansas City Chiefs make baby Jesus cry.

I wish if I concentrated, my hair could grow like Plato, because then I could grow a beard.

Sam, the sidewalk says it's your birthday.

I don't know what scares me more - the Burger King or the way the food looks on a Spangles commercial.

I skipped church on Sunday to watch porn with my roommates. Will Jesus still forgive me?

My roommate couldn't understand why the sundial in the quad wasn't working right, and I had to remind him it was nighttime.

Imagine if you woke up in the morning and animals could beat box.

I think if Hillary Clinton could have a really bitchy shadow, it would be Sarah Palin.

A wiener dog in a bun costume for the president in '08.

If I was taller, thinner, faster and stronger, I would be a Kenyan.

I think if Tony Romo had a theme song, it would be sung by Ricky Martin.

Why did we go to the trouble of naming all of our fingers but not our toes?

Something's been bothering me about our conversation last month, and we really need talk about it.

I am so baked right now.

I think my roommate just serviced 60 sorority girls.

I hate the new parking garage, but do you think we could get more than five people to work on it so we can at least get it over with?

What am I supposed to do if I get acidic acid on my package?

Dear Fourum: I woke up this morning with my roommate's head on my chest. Does that make me gay — or my roommate?

Is it bad if I'm in construction science and I don't know how to put up a tent correctly?

Pink shoes and pink boots are never appropriate attire for the career fair, especially if you are a guy.