Not even the district attorney would waste time giving 14-year-old Michelle Painter a fair trial. He fanned the flames of worst-case scenarios by describing how some rape victims who seek legal justice from their assailants are treated in a typical courtroom.
    “They will make you go through every gruesome detail in front of tons of people you don’t know, and they make you out to be the bad person,” he said, then reminded Michelle that she had no legal evidence to defend her claim with.
    After being denied legal support at such an integral level of recovery for rape victims, Michelle was hesitant to reach out for help.    
    “It’s really hard to come out and say what happened right when it happened because you’re terrified. You’re terrified because you don’t know what he’s going to do and you don’t know if people are going to believe you.”
    “He” had been a life-long family friend close to her age. She knew telling her parents what he had done meant destroying another chapter of her life and ruining the strong friendship her family shared with his.
    “Even though I was the victim, I was terrified to hurt my family by telling them what happened. I didn’t know what they would do or if they would believe me.”
    With only one close friend to confide in, Michelle tried to cope with night terrors, depression and panic attacks on her own for more than a year before she told her parents she had been raped.
    In an unconscious effort to regain some sort of control over her life, Michelle said she over-regulated her diet and eventually developed an eating disorder that took years to conquer.
    “I felt like I had no control over anything else. I had no control of when we were together after what happened, and seeing the way he looked at me from across the dinner table, only the two of us knowing what he did.”
    Instead of locking her emotions in the past, Michelle appreciates the hindsight she has gleaned from years of personal recovery.
    “Knowing then what I know now, the first thing I would do is go to the hospital and go to the police. But being so young and afraid I didn’t even know the hospital was an option. I don’t regret my decision to keep silent because at the time I was too young to know options existed. I only knew rape was a crime and that he hurt me. I was innocent and he stole that from me.”
    Not until she settled into life at K-State did she begin to let her guard down.
    “I still think of rape every day, but not necessarily in the context of it hurting me anymore. That’s really important.”
    Eight years after her attack, Michelle has climbed the ranks to become the president of Wildcats Against Rape. She encourages women to refuse to live with regrets and to seek out the education they need to defend themselves from predators.
    “Helping, being proactive and educating people about sexual assault is really important and helps to process any feelings they might have, which can take years to do. This happened when I was 14. I’m 22 now, and it still affects me.
    “The positive thing about this horrifying experience is knowing that because of what happened to me, I can understand and help others who have experienced similar terrorizing attacks. I can empathize with rape victims, women who suffer from eating disorders, depression, and anxiety, and be able to tell them that they too can overcome and feel happy again; they too can live their lives in peace knowing they are strong and courageous women who have survived a battering of the most sacred gift they have.”

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Thu Oct 30 2008 12:26

Way to go. It takes a lot of guts to tell a story like that. I know it will bring encouragement to a lot of people. Thanks for being willing to share.

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