Adviser offers tips for healthy relationships

Editor's Note: This article was completed as an assignment for a class in the A.Q. Miller School of Journalism and Mass Communications.

Approximately 35 students gathered in the K-State Student Union 213 to listen to a Healthy Relationships and Communications workshop led by Julie Hamel, academic adviser for the PILOTS program.

The PILOTS program is a year-long freshman orientation program that provides academic structure, offers individual attention and assists students in making a strong connection to the campus community.

Hamel, who is a former high school counselor, said she hopes that her workshop helped people understand characteristics of healthy relationships.

"I was pleased at how many students came to the workshop," Hamel said. "I hope the students took something practical out of it; whether they are already in a relationship at the moment, and how they can improve it. If they are not, I hope they are aware of how to establish a healthy relationship in the future."

Hamel started off the workshop by pointing out the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

These signs include frequent arguing, dishonesty, excessive flirting with others, lack of communication, one person having dominance or control over decisions, big differences between partners, one-sided attraction, rushed physical intimacy and reliance on alcohol or other drugs, among others.

Hamel also said emotional abuse, such as humiliation, degrading comments and put-downs, and physical abuse, such as pushing, shoving, slapping and forced sexual contact, are signs of an abusive relationship.

She also shared tips and discussed how to tell if a relationship is going "down the dumps."

"When a couple is arguing a lot, I have a theory it might be something else other than just a fight. Sometimes it is a sign that the relationship needs to be over, but neither partner will commit to a breakup," Hamel said.

Sarah Herigon, freshman in animal sciences and industry, said that Hamel's words helped her understand her past relationships.

"This statement impacted me individually because it showed me what went wrong in my last relationship. It showed me what I should have done a long time ago," Herigon said. "However, I took a lot of good information from this workshop. I learned how any relationship I have from now on until forever, I can keep heathy and not turn it into a mess."

Hamel described the stages of a romantic relationship as initial physical or emotional attraction, infatuation, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Hamel discussed how these might go in order, but sometimes that is not the case; that is what can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

"Ninety percent of love songs are written about the infatuation love stage," Hamel said. "It is the phase that everyone likes to think and talk about all the time."

Certain types of intimacy can be another key component that Hamel said can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

"I learned that there are actual steps you can take before you get into a relationship and especially before you get into physical intimacy," said Maria Blando, freshman in human ecology. "This really opened my eyes because I have not been in a deep relationship yet. It made me realize that are a lot of elements to being in a serious relationship."

According to Hamel, if physical intimacy jumps higher up on the list of stages of romantic relationships, the relationship "tends to be a train wreck down the line."

There are ways, however, to improve relationships, and Hamel said that communication is key.

Hamel's tips included setting clear boundaries, avoiding gender stereotypes and communicating thoughts and feelings.

She highly encouraged audience members to take some time to think about what they want in a relationship and to set those boundaries for themselves and their partners to avoid moving too fast in a relationship.

By using "I" messages, assertiveness and choosing words carefully, Hamel said people are bound to be on better track with their relationship and the communication that comes with it.

Nathan Klecker, junior in athletic training, agreed with Hamel about her communication tips.

"Hamel gave lots of good tips and how to strengthen your relationship and how to pick a good relationship versus a bad one," Klecker said.

Klecker is in a long-distance relationship and said that more than 50 percent of his relationship had electronic communication.

When asked what he thought about relationships that tried to make up after they breakup, he said that it was a difficult task to pull off.

"It definitely gets worse," he said. "You forget about the person and put your attention on someone else. It is like you have to learn about that person all over again."

Whether it is a best friend or a romantic partner, Hamel said a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and concern, good communication skills and a balance of power in the relationship.

"If both the people in the relationship have power, the relationship tends to go better," she said.