Cozy Burgers, Cozy Burgers, I want Cozy Burgers!

After months of rumors and sketchy information, the official word is Cozy Inn Hamburgers will be opening a branch in Aggieville in Fall 2011.

Oh, curse you, Cozy Inn. Why must I wait so long to get my fix? Why not just take over a building that already exists rather than building a new one from scratch? How about Rusty's Next Door? The whole reason that place exists is because Aggieville needed a smoke-free bar, but now all the bars are smoke free so the purpose of Next Door is moot. It's outlived its usefulness and they know it. Get rid of it, and give me my Cozy Burgers a few months early.

On the other hand, perhaps the wait isn't such a bad thing. I confess, I am a little nervous at the prospect of a Cozy Inn opening in the ‘Ville because I worry it won't compare to the original.

As any fan of the original Cozy Inn in Salina can tell you, there is one thing other than taste that sets Cozies apart from the rest of the burger joints: the smell. Salina's Cozy Inn stinks magnificently from decades of grilling hundreds of the same little sliders with heaps of onions every single day in a tiny room about the size of my studio apartment.

My first experience with Salina's Cozy Inn was a baptism of odor. I saw the road sign on I-70 advertising them and said that I wanted to try them. My boyfriend, a native of Salina, warned me the smell would permeate my clothes, my hair, the interior of my car, everything; whether we actually went inside the restaurant or not.

I thought it sounded fun. So I insisted we go, and boy, let me tell you, he was not kidding. The seats in the bar are right next to the grill. The smoke made my eyes water, and I just didn't care because they were so tasty. The next day, after I'd showered, I could still smell Cozies in my car, despite the fact we had not gotten those little nuggets of stinky goodness to go.

I was in love.

Maybe some of you killjoys out there, like my boyfriend (sorry honey), think the smell of Cozies is a bit of a turn off. But in my opinion, half of the fun of Cozy Burgers is the stench.

This is why I worry about having a branch of Cozy Inn opening up in the ‘Ville. Because, in spite of the rumors that they're using an old fashioned grill to make it as authentic as the one in Salina, there's just no way to mimic the smell of years upon years of Cozies cooked in the same, tiny room. You can't mimic that quality of stink, my friends. It's something that has to mature with years of tender loving care, like a good Scotch.

I don't want sliders. I don't want a close approximation. I want the real McCoy: I want stink burgers. And if Aggieville's Cozy Inn can't deliver on the smell factor, I don't want anything to do with them.

You have one year, Aggieville Cozy Inn. Start getting stinky.

- Karen Ingram is a junior in English. Please send comments to opinion@spub.ksu.edu.