 "Photo: Illustration by Erin Logan")
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It’s August, and this means two things are gearing up for another season: School and football. I’m going to share something with all of you that is taboo in this town: I have never set foot in Snyder Family Stadium, I have never gone tailgating and, up until a short while ago when I was driving down Kimball Avenue and looked to where my boyfriend was pointing, I wasn’t sure what a JumboTron was.
I am football illiterate.
I’m not pulling the old I’m-just-a-girl-who-knows-nothing-about-football routine. My issues with football are not so much gender related as they are family related. I come from a family of hardcore non-sports fans. I never learned about football growing up because I honestly had no idea it was of any importance until I hit middle school, and by that point, I didn’t care to learn. I never even saw a Superbowl game until I was 16.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been going to K-State football games since he was a kid. Around this time of year, he turns into a completely different person. He dons his purple clothing and joins the thousands of people on the streets who are all dressed alike and chanting about a cannonball named “Wabash.” He develops a vocabulary that seems strange even for a biology student: Scrimmage, third-and-one, off-sides, and what in the world is a flea flicker?
I’m trying to adjust, but even after being with my boyfriend for over two years, watching football fans is like observing a strange species from another world. I call this new species “Americanfootballus fanaticus,” and they are an endless source of wonder and amusement to me. Here are a couple of examples of “scientific” observations I’ve made and what they mean to the layperson.
Observation: During the football season, Americanfootballus fanaticus will sometimes change colors. This transformation usually depends upon the region in which it lives, but can be passed on through family members who move to other regions.
Translation: Because K-State is here, most people in the area are K-State fans and wear purple. There are some people who are fans of teams in other states simply because one or more parent is from there. Some of those people have never even been to their “home” team’s state and I find this strange.
Observation: Most mammals change colors to display a warning to defend its territory or to attract a mate, but fanaticus appears to change colors to indicate that they have linked with the local hive mind. Fanaticus is fiercely loyal to its hive and prides itself on not thinking individually. Hives will frequently combat one another to establish something called “bragging rights.” The residual energy of these combats can stir onlookers into a frenzy, resulting in property damage and physical harm to others.
Translation: As soon as the purple clothes come out and the beer starts flowing, football fans transform into a mob. A potentially dangerous and, usually, very drunk mob. The Aggieville riots of 1984 and 1986 are some local examples, but this kind of behavior can be observed anywhere from the largest city to the smallest town.
On Aug. 20, a man in Dayton, Ohio, was shot because of an argument over a children’s neighborhood football game. Sadly, I’m not surprised. It has come to be a fairly common event in the news.
Someday, I hope to have a better understanding of football fans and my boyfriend. In the meantime, I will just have to continue my careful observations, preferably while locked safely inside my apartment.
kthxbai