Without evil, there is no good.

Hey, you know, I think it's great that the bake club ended the bake sale 20 minutes early. No, I don't think it's great. I'm being sarcastic. Bye.

Beth Mendenhall wants your uterus to be Communist China.

Mmmm, got to love a man in uniform.

To the vegetarian who referred to my cow-methane argument: It was a joke. I don't eat cows to save the world; I eat them because they are delicious.

Narwhals invented the shish kebab.

Hey, guess how many jobs are being made or saved by the leadership building.

Just passed by a girl in the library sleeping on a couch with a can of Rockstar by her. Study fail.

To the very sweet cleaning lady in Thompson Hall: Thank you for being so cheery.

Why is every girl's Facebook status about a new moon? Is that good for ovulation or something?

Fourum, oh Fourum,
how you always bore them.
Did you like my little poem?

Hey, Collegian, the Cinnamon challenge is far from impossible, because I have done it and I can prove it.

Hi, I just want to apologize to Beth Mendenhall for my comment in the Fourum yesterday. It isn't my fault that she was dropped on her head as a child; it's not my fault. I'm sorry.

I made a spoof of Britney Spears' "Oops, I did it again," basically making fun of her for being stupid. She's kind of like Beth Mendenhall.

To the guy riding his unicycle and wearing a bow tie across campus: You are my hero.

My grandpa's 80 years old and last year he went under the house and he did some massive plumbing ... I think I'm going to shut up. I have an awesome grandpa. Bye.

There's a bat outside the Harry Potter room in the library!

Do the maids clean the dorms over Thanksgiving break?

This is to Jake: Lay off the 'roids.

If Dalton Henry was Chuck Norris and Wayne Stoskopf was Trebek, they would open up East- and West-bound Marlatt for all the good citizens of Manhattan.

It's 11:23, and there's a bat flying around in the library. This is epic.

I left my bong.

I just cheated on my girlfriend. Guess who I am?

So, I'm studying for my test on the third floor of the library. How am I supposed to study when there are bats flying all over the place?

I'd rather be drinking on Friday than see a ghost play Zack.

The reason that guys sell out for basketball is our team actually can win.

We know the dementors are reproducing. Make sure to walk around with extra rations of chocolate just in case.

Toyota may be assembled in Indiana, but so are Ford, Chevy and Dodge. At least with the big three, all the money stays here and doesn't go back to China.

Not putting the cryptoquip in the Fourum is going to make more people angry than Beth Mendenhall ever will.

Seriously? A four-star Sudoku? I can't complete that.

Making people slow down at the crosswalks is my favorite thing to do.

You definitely shouldn't label one-star Sudokus as five-star Sudokus. It was totally easy today. Make it harder.

I just saw the TKE with the Afro, but he doesn't have an Afro anymore.

To the students who tip back their chairs in the library: When you actually fall over, I'm going to laugh.

Dear Collegian, thank you for existing. Without you, I wouldn't have anything to make a collage out of. Have a nice day. Bye.

Hey, Grant Guggislong, I'd like to see you play basketball before you criticize all the freshmen.

Who names their kid Grant Guggisberg?

How many points do you get for seeing a guy in Ugg slippers?

Hey, Chelsey, when are you going to wear your penis-earrings?

To my gal roommate: Could you please keep your hand out of your pants? Thanks.

Fort Riley's soldiers should not get special privileges. [Random singing]

To the girl who was listening to Under Oath at the corner of 11th and Bluemont: I love you.

Having the top of your hair platinum blonde and the bottom half jet black is not a good look.

You know why kids shoot up schools? Because of bad lunches.

Dear Fourum, I just called you.

Beth, too bad your parents didn't share your views on reproduction.

Has anyone seen the tiger on first floor Marlatt? Kinda creepy when you're walking back late at night.

Hey, Lila, why don't you take your horse and cat back to New York? Make sense?