If we beat KU this weekend, the goalposts are coming down.

K-State girls will look a whole lot less beautiful without hard alcohol.

To the person my side-view mirror hit on Monday night at 7:45: Sorry about that ... I didn't even see you until about 30 yards after I hit you. Sorry.

I could be wrong, but I don't think a 12-pack of condoms should last for nine months.

To the cute boy who checked me out at Walgreens: Don't worry, I don't have swine flu. It's just bronchitis.

Have you ever been riding shotgun when the driver of your car decided she needed to change pants in broad daylight at the stoplight at Denison and Jardine?

Heads football, tails Playstation 2. Hey, did you know Alaska's new quarter is out?

Hey K-State students, this is a K-State alumnus calling. Go buy tickets and fill the Bill.

Braden Barnhardt owned Myles Ikenberry.

The number of greek students that will go through the ER between now and Jan. 1 will now triple, including me. Thanks, IFC.

It is officially three days into No-Shave-November and my face is already itching.

Don't give out your e-mail and password.

If pepper spray can prevent rape, then a gun can prevent mass murder.

Why is the Collegian covering a power outage in Rathbone when there's a huge power outage in Holton that has been there since Saturday and will probably continue until next Monday?

Umm, I just saw a Mini Cooper with Texas plates. Is that even legal?

Win or lose, we still booze.

Hey Fourum, you need to get a cell phone so I can text you.

Brandon bashing week starts now.

Brandon is a loser who doesn't drink.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Picture caption fail for greek morals.

To the Johnson County kid: I think you should think before you talk to the Fourum, because that would cause your father to go bankrupt.

To the guy in the red car who flipped me off for letting him go first: Real mature.

Way to go guys, you banned hard alcohol. Now all the girls are going to get beer bellies.

To the RCPD: Next time you're out on Saturday night writing tickets to people and ruining their lives, let me know so I can stay in. Thanks.

Hey Johnson County guy: This is Camry guy. Guess what? I already pay my tuition; it's called being a grownup. You should try it some time.

Braden Barnhardt knows what he's talking about.

This is Camry guy again. Johnson County kid: If shining your shoes now means you having to kiss my bottom five years down the road, I'm all for it.

Please do the lynch mob sign at the KU game, because that means you're an American, and Americans win.

There's vomit in my mouth due to the large number of greek salutations I just walked through.

The stupid rain yesterday ruined the crunchiness of the leaves.

To the girl in the pink shorts, Ugg boots and hat: You have beautiful legs.

Dear non-Johnson County native: You don't have to shine my shoes, and I'm not going to buy out your father's company to make it go bankrupt. We aren't all jerks like that other Johnson County native. Thank you.

To the idiots walking through the construction zone: Caution tape means "Do not walk here."

We may or may not need to start requiring an IQ test to get into the parking garage.

To the guy who I met in the laundry room in Marlatt: You were looking good, and what is your name, by the way?

Dear the Fourum, you would fulfill my greatest birthday message if you would print my message in the Collegian. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Amanda at MCC, happy birthday to me.

The new directories are pointless. How am I supposed to know where I am when they don't have "You are here" on the map?

My friend said his iPhone had an application to open my beer. Now his iPhone is broken and has beer in it.

Hey ugly jacket guy, I hope a cow poops on your ugly jacket.

This one time, at band camp ... Oh, wait, I'm out of the K-State band. I didn't go to band camp. That's right.

Is that a freaking owl I hear coming from campus?

Is it me or is it this owl that's outside out in this town right now?

I'm bonging my hard alcohol because I have to get rid of it. Thanks, IFC.

Dry houses, you're gay. Your parties suck. Don't ruin college life for the rest of us.

To the couple on the fourth floor of Hale tonight screaming at each other: Don't do it any more! Gosh!

Dear IFC, thank you for sucking the fun out of everything, you fun-suckers.

Dear IFC, bring on the beer bongs.

Dear IFC, I will now break more rules.