The latest studies of smoking show that third-hand smoke is bad for you. What in the heck is third-hand smoke, you ask? It's residue from cigarette smoke on a smoker's skin and clothes that get passed on to other people by direct contact with them. Yes, this ridiculous study is for real.
I fell off the wagon a few months ago and started smoking again after a two year hiatus from one of my favorite dirty habits. In the meantime, the marvelous city of Manhattan decided to ban smoking in bars, so I'm now forced to step outside to satisfy my nic-fits.
It's a pain in the neck, but I've discovered my fellow smokers have not failed me. Smokers are a resilient bunch. You can take away our bars, raise the prices of tobacco, even stop selling it on campus, but you can't stop us. We are addicts, we are social, and I guarantee you that we are infinitely nicer to talk to than the non-smokers who whine about their rights all the time. Why? Because nobody likes to smoke outside in the cold alone. We like company. And we know whining doesn't do any good, so we have mastered the art of knowing when to shut up about our rights being violated and just deal with it.
This new study on the dangers of third-hand smoke makes me want to laugh bitterly. After shunning us to the great outdoors, the non-smokers have decided to take their campaign to new levels by suggesting that shaking hands with a smoker is more dangerous than shaking hands with a leper. The study was very quick to point out the fact that children and infants were especially at risk.
Heavy sigh. Where do I begin?
Everything is more dangerous to infants and children. They're smaller and they're weaker. The only thing this study is doing by bemoaning the fate of children is inciting the scared, over-privileged non-smokers to throw a fit.
I'd also like to point out that there are tons of things people touch every day that have dangerous substances on them, probably far more dangerous than my third-hand smoke: industrial strength cleaners, traces of drugs, not to mention all the super bugs created by all those anti-bacterial potions people insist on using because their too lazy to wash their hands after doing a number two.
Is any body else grossed out when somebody licks their fingers to sort through papers or money in their wallet? You non-smokers seriously want to talk about the dangers of third-hand smoke when you're licking cocaine residue off of dollar bills and eating at the salad bar with unwashed toilet hands? I've got news for you. We smokers wash our hands because we don't like the smell of smoke that accumulates on them. Your delicate noses might be offended by the smoke that lingers on our clothes, but you'll just have to shut up and deal with it. I'm allergic to many fragrances, but you don't hear me complaining about my rights to breathe when one of these non-smokers wears too much perfume or cologne, because I don't have to stand there and smell it. I can go stand somewhere else. You can, too. It's that simple.
Non-smokers think they can scare the country into banning cigarettes for good with this stupid third-hand smoke nonsense, and they're probably right. I foresee a time in the not too distant future where the non-smokers win and we'll have to start bootlegging our dirty habit from Mexico. By then, the brilliant minds behind the third-hand smoke study will have invented fourth-hand smoke and begun a campaign for that. Don't ask me what fourth-hand smoke is. My brain hurts just trying to fathom it.
But you still can't stop us smokers. And I'd rather shake hands with somebody that just smoked a pack of Pall Malls than shake hands with a non-smoker who just came out of the bathroom.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've finished my weekly rant and I'm going to step outside for a smoke. You're welcome to join me.
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Dihydrogen monoxide/DHMO:
is called "hydroxyl acid", the substance is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
may cause severe burns.
is fatal if inhaled.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of Styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
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