When your favorite NFL team loses a game, especially its season opener, there’s really no wrong way to react.
Trust me on this one. Take no shame in kicking around a helpless lawn chair in the back yard of your home. Feel no remorse, no sympathy, for that poor computer desk that now sits in three pieces, its remains scattered across your bedroom floor. And when you smack your right forearm so hard against a door frame that you momentarily lose feeling in your fingers, shake it off.
Sports are supposed to be fun, right?
If you were a Kansas City Chiefs fan on Sunday, you probably didn’t have much fun. In fact, your experience might have been so bad that it prompted you to pick a new team. I can’t say I’d blame you. There are 31 other teams in the NFL, and none of them are coached by Herman Edwards.
But if you were at least willing to give the Chiefs a legitimate chance, if you were comfortable with flicking on the television in hopes that they might surprise you, then you certainly aren’t the most pathetic fan in America. No, I think we’ve already found our winner for that prize.
His name is “frikidanno,” an eBay user who, after being a Cleveland Browns fan for 35 years, decided he’d finally had enough. On Aug. 31, Danno, as we’ll call him, put up a listing on eBay auctioning off his fan allegiance.
He said he’s willing to root for any team except for the Dallas Cowboys. The highest bidder, according to the listing, will receive his “fandom” for one year with an option to renew once the season is over. He makes all sorts of promises.
Sound crazy? Well, Danno is serious.
He uses words like “karma” and “positive thinking,” going so far as to suggest his simple presence might mean a Super Bowl appearance.
People, including yours truly, have encouraged him, by placing bids on his services. At last check, there were 38 bids totaling $72.
However, I’m afraid the winning bidder will be in for a disturbing surprise. It simply won’t be possible for Danno to genuinely root for another team, not when his loyalty to the Browns spans four decades.
I sent Danno a private message, wishing him luck and telling him I hope he’s able to pull through his fan crisis. But shortly after sending the message, I began thinking about his situation some more.
What if he’s able to break ties with the team that has seemingly given him so much grief through the years? What if he’s able to rid himself of the pain, the agony, that’s inevitable at the turn of every calendar year? Wouldn’t that be something?
Imagine the feeling of never having to suffer through a bad Sunday again. Wouldn’t that be incredible?
I plan on following up with Danno in the months ahead, just to see if he’s having withdrawals. I’d also like to know if he’s managed to keep a clean conscience.
If his plan ends up working, if he’s able to have success with it and rid himself of his bad allegiance, maybe I’ll find myself in the same position a year from now, selling my rights on eBay. We’ll start the bidding at $45. The rest will be history.
Hopefully Patriots fans have thick pocket books.
Jeffrey Rake is a senior in print journalism. Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.