Colorado’s a Hell hole.
I recently returned from what was essentially a two-week-long scavenger hunt that sent me all around the state of Colorado.
In Denver, I stayed in a hotel where a sexually deprived, terrifying 50-ish year old woman all but invited herself into my room. As if that conversation wasn’t awkward enough, she also happened to work at the front desk. For three days, I heard, “Hey there, cutie, what are you doing tonight?” every time I walked in or out of the hotel. “Nothing, ma’am,” and I’d walk quickly by.
While in Aspen, I met a young lady who, upon further conversation, decided maybe hanging out with me hasn’t been a complete waste of her time.
Of course, she was dead wrong, and it was only a matter of time before she caught on and stood me up. Though, I was in Vail by then and wouldn’t have come back anyway. Well, I probably wouldn’t have come back. I’m sure I would have come back.
In Vail, I was asked to play sand volleyball with some of the local girls and guys I had met as long as I brought a “six of PBR.” Everyone in Colorado drinks PBR; it’s ridiculous. Anyway, volleyball was a disaster. I twisted my ankle and got hit in the face twice. I’ve never felt so average in my life.
In Breckenridge, I wandered into some fashion store looking to buy a dress for a friend of mine back home.
Of course, they were all $300 or more, so that didn’t happen, but interestingly enough, the woman working in the store told me to come by the next morning when the models would be there for the photo shoot and commercial. “I’m sure they could try some on for you so you could have a better idea of what they’d look like,” she said. As I replayed a similar “Mighty Ducks: D2” scene over in my head and trying not to laugh out loud, a hoarse, “sure” came out of my mouth as my voice cracked. Moments later, I received a call from my sister, Chelsey, asking me to pick her up from the Denver airport in the morning.
“Eeee, does it have to be tomorrow?”
“Seriously?”
Begrudgingly, “Fine.”
She went on to tell me about some girl, who happened to be a K-State student, she ran into at her gym who also happened to be interning in Chicago. So, if you’re that girl and you’re reading this, my sister thinks you’re wonderful. Personally, I don’t know you, but I’m so sorry if she freaked you out.
Back in Denver, having missed out on the models, we decided to get drunk and watch Kung Fu Panda at the IMAX theater, which was across the street from my old hotel. Coming out of the liquor store, PBR in hand, I heard a familiar, “Hey there, cutie!”
“Chelsey, start the car! Start the car!”
I hate Colorado.