Creatures need aid to survive

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Many mythical creatures are just that: mythical. However, not the unicorn, because it is just as real as you and me.

According to the United National Investigative Center on Restoring Nature Successfully (UNICORNS), unicorns once roamed the Earth in large numbers, with a strong population in Europe.

Through human construction came natural destruction. This eliminated almost all of the natural habitat for unicorns, causing the overall population to plummet.

“It’s tragic,” said Seymore Butts, official spokesperson for UNICORNS. “While it is not only our duty to help revive the unicorn population, we consider it a huge priority … It would be intergenerational oppression if unicorns were to become extinct.”

UNICORNS’s colossal effort to help restore the unicorn population has been admirable and heroic at the least. Part of the majesty of these beautiful creatures is their iconic ability to remain free.

“Unicorns are fierce yet good, selfless yet solitary, strong yet agile,” said Gia Jo, leader of PURE (Prevent Unicorns from becoming Really Extinct), the leading unicorn organization in the western hemisphere. “They roam free and only fear pure evil, as they can only be captured by malevolent means.”

Jo provided her greatest example of evil. She explained how the now dead Lord Voldemort had slain at least two unicorns so he could drink their blood, as reported by the biographical series, Harry Potter.

“Science has empirically demonstrated that drinking the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death,” explained Dr. Harry Hiney, professor of exotic animals at Stanford University.

The idea that there are still unicorns on this planet may seem incomprehensible. This is completely understandable, as it was only two decades ago that two lost hikers stumbled across the find of the century.

“We were tired, scared and almost hopeless when we both saw something under some fallen forage,” described Noah Buildaboat. “It was the color of pure gold, so naturally, we both ran over and picked it up. Embarrassingly enough, it was not gold but poop..”

Later, both Buildaboat and his companion were able to find their way, and when they returned they shared their story. UNICORNS was the first organization to take the report seriously and investigated the area the hikers had described.

“Upon our arrival and investigation, we were able to find and analyze more unicorn feces,” Butts said. “Additionally our field team became ecstatic when we stumbled upon hoof prints.”

It is strange to think there is a chance we can save unicorns from extinction, especially when past generations have already written these creatures off.

Many might see these animals as too feminine, fake or frivolous, but Unicorns are strong, loyal, righteous and exemplify grace.

Unicorns deserve our most forefront effort to ensure the survival of their species.

– Bobby Gomez believes unicorns are the Bill Snyders of the animal kingdom. Please send comments to opinion@spub.ksu.edu

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