There is a hidden menace in our country, an unfortunate side effect of immigrants coming over from Ireland many years ago. These hopeful souls who came to America for a better way of life unknowingly brought a non-native species of creature, the likes of which we have no defense against, like zebra mussels and dozens of other pests, but far more dangerous.
The crazy thing is most people have no idea this monster is dangerous. They plaster it on products and sell its face on TV because they think it’s cute.
America, be warned. Don’t be fooled by the cuddly cartoon character inviting children to catch his Lucky Charms. Leprechauns are evil.
Lucky is every bit as evil as the leprechaun played by Warwick Davis in the movies. In fact, I dare say he is more evil.
Why, you might ask? He doesn’t kill people outright, he doesn’t chase them mercilessly on a tricycle, cackling to himself, and he has a far more pleasant voice.
The reason is because Lucky is a crafty, dishonest leprechaun. Davis’ leprechaun is at least honest about his goals: He wants his gold back, and he has no problem killing you to get it. Actually, that’s like a bonus for him. Evil, yes, but no surprises.
Lucky, on the other hand, is a pusher. He teases children with sugar-laden cereal, gets them hooked and turns them into fat idiots. Processed sugar is one of the biggest problems with today’s society, and a huge factor in America’s collective weight problems.
By using splashy, colorful graphics, catch phrases and addictive sugary marshmallows, Lucky has embarked on a mission to turn America’s children into sugar junkies. Once he’s got an army of addicted and loyal followers, he can begin phase two of his master plan to take over the world.
Yes, boys and girls. Don’t be fooled by the cute button nose and the too-perfect smile. Lucky is an agent of doom, and he wants you to get diabetes and die a horrible, slow, painful death.
Given a choice between Warwick Davis’ leprechaun and Lucky from Lucky Charms cereal, I’ll take Warwick Davis any time.
But what about other leprechauns, you say? Well, they’re all evil. Maybe not as evil as clowns, but they have absolutely no regard for human life.
Just ask poor Fergus Mac Léti. Fergus was an Irish king long ago and was also the first human to encounter leprechauns. He can tell you all about what devilish, little fiends they are. Fergus was taking a nap on the beach, minding his own business, when suddenly the cold ocean water woke him up. He discovered he was being carried into the ocean by three leprechauns, who didn’t care if he drowned or not.
Luckily for him, leprechauns are not terribly big, so he was able to overpower the three of them, and they offered to grant him three wishes in exchange for setting them free. Fergus wisely decided to have them grant the ability to breathe underwater, just in case the little villains got any bright ideas about tossing him into the ocean again.
I know what you’re thinking: grant wishes? Wow! I heard about the gold, but they grant wishes, too? I’m going to get a leprechaun right now!
Don’t. It’s not worth the trouble. Whether you’re dealing with a leprechaun on a murderous rampage, a leprechaun who wants to get you hooked on addictive substances or just one who wants to toss you into the nearest body of water, it’s best just to leave them alone. I’d much rather eradicate them, but we probably can’t spare the money from our war budget, right now.
In conclusion, if you see a leprechaun, get away from it. And watch what you eat.
– Karen Ingram has been fighting the leprechaun menace since 2002. Please send comments to opinion@spub.ksu.edu.