Aries March 21 – April 19
Please refrain from punching students from the College of Agriculture; though they resemble Oklahoma State Cowboys, they are not.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Newsflash: dressing like you’re something out of a science fiction movie won’t get you laid. It may cause public humiliation, though.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Yell the phrase ‘Loud noises!’ to end senseless arguments this week. Document your findings and send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Typing mean messages and then deleting them will be a good trait to possess this week, especially when others write less-than-favorable things to you.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Owl City is annoying. End of story. Find something better to listen to. Anything, even Miley Cyrus and her idiot alter-ego are more pleasing to the ears.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You should start watching ’30 Rock.’ All the cool Virgos are doing it, and you know you want to be cool.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 23
Being cool is overrated. It’s meant for people like silly Virgos and The Fonz. AYYEE!!
Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21
Your multiple personalities are probably why your credit scores are low. Don’t be surprised when it shows up on your FreeCreditReport.com score.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Be careful what you say about Oprah; not only can she eat you, she can also buy K-State so she can expel you.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You should always listen to your horoscope. I don’t write these things for my health. Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will find yourself today. What you do with yourself after you find yourself is none of the Collegian’s business.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
The Walt Disney Company lied to you when you were a child. Sue them for crushing your dreams of being famous.