Aries March 21 – April 19
Your constant need for attention will eventually leave you old, alone and forever trying to live out your glory days in the frat house. Your only hope is to read a book every once in a while.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Love can be a fickle old curmudgeon sometimes. It’s best not to irritate it, that’s what gets you a mother-in-law.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Pet names are never cute. However, they are hilarious weapons your friends can use to egg you on later in life.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Just because your love life is similar to Liz Lemon’s from “30 Rock” does not mean you have to dress like her. “Good God Lemon.”
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Dr. Love called; he told me to tell you that he can’t fix your problems. Perhaps you should see another specialist.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Looking for love in all the wrong places? Take out a personal ad in the Collegian. It’s safer than Craigslist and more entertaining for the rest of campus.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 23
Domestic Dan says: “The key to a woman’s heart is through the kitchen. Learn to cook, not to bake.”
Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21
Love comes in all shapes, sizes and sorority letters. Keep your eye on the prize.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
The next time you see that overly clingy couple in Hale, put up a sign that says “don’t feed the idiots.”
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Yes, your girlfriend is dumb. You know it, I know it, so does everyone in the cosmos. The better question is how do you go about telling her two plus two does not equal fish?
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Couples: remember to leave enough space for the Holy Spirit or God will send Tim Tebow to be all up in your face about it.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
There are things out there much worse than the Danger Zone … for instance the “Friend Zone” and any other song sung by Kenny Loggins.
Compiled by Tim Schrag