Drunken Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

They may look like a four now, but by 5 p.m. on Fake Patty’s they’ll be an 11 on a scale from one to 10.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

If you’re still seeing purple you’re doing it wrong. On Fake Patty’s the purple nation turns green.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

“Rock Chalk Shamrock” is never an acceptable term. Don’t tolerate it. Even for a second. Come to think of it, “Rock Chalk” anything is never acceptable.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

There never was a Fake Patrick, but there should have been. Go ahead and make up stories of his drunken and outlandish antics.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

You will get to the point of “I love you man,” drunk. From there, the transition to hot mess is a beer away.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Calling a cop a pig will get you arrested. Calling a man a pig might prevent him from getting laid. Actually, being a pig means at some point you might be bacon. Mmm…bacon…

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 23

Remember libras, Fake Patty’s and Facebook don’t mix. Please post responsibly.

Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21

Fake Patty’s is a great holiday if you’re 21. If you’re not, it’s kind of boring. If you have a fake ID, then it’s kind of ironic.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

If you treat Fake Patty’s day like a company Christmas party, the post-party awkwardness seems to not be so awkward. That being said, everyone still knows what happened.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Don’t worry, everyone was blacked out by 3 p.m. and no one remembers your embarrassing rendition of Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger.” So you’ve got that going for you.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

This weekend, all the action happens on Moro Street or as the cosmos refers to it … the danger zone.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Domestic Dan says: pace yourself this Fake Patty’s Day, or your clothes won’t be the only thing turning green.

Compiled by Tim Schrag.