I’m a girl. I always have been, and, fingers-crossed, always will be. I consider myself to be slightly feminist — more or less like the 1950’s feminist. The pro-education, make-your-own-sandwich feminist. That’s cool. But these crazies today who walk around complaining about Latin roots in words like “human” and pronouns like “her” and “she” freak me out.
As I’ve gotten older, listened to Sandra Fluke, and attended some college, I’ve started to figure these modern feminists out. I understand now. Sometimes their rules can get confusing, though, so in honor of Halloween, I thought I’d make a list of helpful hints for all the ladies out there. Sorry, is “ladies” objectifying?
1. Do not accept candy from anyone. Unless they are handing you a free month’s subscription of Yaz, do not put up with stranger’s sexist sympathy. They are only giving you candy because they don’t think you are able to provide Kit-Kats for yourself. It’s quite demeaning, if you ask me.
2. No glitter, sparkles, or pink. Fairies and sexy firewomen are belittling. I know we say we should be able to walk around with our blessings out in the open, but it’s fall, and that could get cold. So this Halloween, get comfortable. It’s your right. Besides, men aren’t held to societal standards of short skirts and push-up bras, so why should we be? Don’t put up with it. A true feminist costume would look more like G.I. Jane. Except, scratch the “Jane.” It’s G.I. Joe for you. Equality over everything, remember? Plus, doesn’t a semi-automatic scream “girl power?”
3. Teach the youth. We have to start young. If your daughter or little sister wants to be Cinderella for Halloween, you must make sure she swaps the tulle skirt and capped sleeves for cargo shorts and a baseball tee. At minimum, at least make sure she doesn’t walk out of the house with glass slippers on. I would recommend white Toms, maybe — something a little more gender neutral, you know?
4. BYOB. Most feminists completely disregard how trivial it is that we are allowed free admission and alcohol at parties. Ladies, stand your ground. We don’t go to school, work, take care of the children, and wear underwire bras for nothing. We are independent — we can pay for booze and admission just like the boys. Am I right? Besides, the only reason guys offer free drinks to girls is to herd them into parties like cattle. Pretty cattle, of course. (Not a fat joke.) Therefore, men are smelly, manipulative and gross, and we should have to pay for our Lime-A-Ritas just like the boys. Disclaimer: depending on your extremity within the feminist spectrum, you may drink Keystone or straight moonshine in order to prove a point.
5. Banish the Jack-O-Lantern. “Jack-O-Lanterns,” really? What kind of society do we live in? This Halloween, let’s make it a point to really fight for equality. Pumpkins can be girls too. Let’s start a movement towards a more gender-neutral identifier for “a carved pumpkin.” How about Sam-O-Lantern? Or Taylor-O-Lantern? This way, it’s not openly male or female. It’s much better that way.
You see, it is extremely important that we feminists stick together this Halloween, and for the Halloweens to come. I know it may be confusing sometimes, deciding what the feminist thing to do is, but just remember WWWD (What Would Whoopi Do?)
Without our protest, we would live in a world where we would be expected to objectify our bodies in skimpy Pocahontas costumes, accept sympathy candy, and worst of all, accept free alcohol. Wouldn’t that be terrible? Even more terrible than panty hose and shaved armpits.
Laura Meyers is a freshman in journalism and political science. Please send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.