Slightly sarcastic horoscopes: August 25


Horoscopes for the week of Monday, August 25

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Travel will play an important role in your life this week when you forget where you parked your car and wander the Z Lot aimlessly for several hours before giving up and walking to Hy-Vee.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Try to tune out the rising public panic about the Ebola virus and, instead, focus on more practical and immediate personal health concerns. For example, how many people do you think have peed on the mattress in your dorm room?

Leo (July 23-August 22):

Oh man, Leo, maybe those early morning classes weren’t such a good idea after all. Except for the post-class coffee shop visits, I mean. It’s entirely due to your patronage that they will now be serving cappuccino in 20-gallon buckets with a garden hose.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):

Starting the semester off by getting proper nutrition — good for you, Virgo! If gelatin is made from horses and vodka is made from potatoes, that means that those 3 Jell-O shots totally count as a serving of protein and vegetables…right?

Libra (23 September – 22 October):

You will have a close encounter with a mysterious stranger this week: either a surprise romantic liaison or a hit-and-run with a campus longboarder. The stars cannot say.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):

Though it seemed like a nice gesture at the time, you may later regret giving that homeless man half of your McDonald’s bacon cheeseburger. Especially when you discover that he’s actually not homeless after all — just one of your new professors walking to work. Oh, and he’s a vegetarian.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):

After becoming lost in Hale library, you may discover a small civilization of tiny people in KU gear living under the poetry section in the stacks. The K-State Illuminati is advising the stars to tell you to not investigate this matter further.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):

You will be delighted by the flurry of activity around you until you belatedly realize that the birds all have diarrhea.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):

You may need to cut back on spending. Start with your student credit card and a pair of scissors.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

The influx of new people to campus has you feeling claustrophobic and agitated with the sudden proximity to others. Perhaps try reciting a calming mantra to yourself, such as, “Put the crowbar down,” or “Vehicular manslaughter is wrong.”

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Someone close to you may have something new and special to share with you. Use protection.

Taurus (April 20- May 20):

When life closes one door, it is usually slammed in your face. It will then open another door, from which attack dogs will be released. Run.

Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.