Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 23): To you, life is a game. A drinking game, actually. You take a shot every time you hear the word “no.”
Libra (Sept. 24 to Oct. 23): Progress and productivity shall grace your life this week as you continue to advance your own timeline at a rate of approximately one second per second.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 to Nov. 22): Always remember: the trick to being a truly successful crazy person is to find someone who will pay you enough for it that you can avoid being locked up.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 to Dec. 21): You have absolutely no trouble at all with this year’s buzz concept, “MeTime.” You’re so into this that you frequently forget that there is any other kind of time at all.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 20): It any at point this week, you find yourself in acute danger of actually enjoying yourself. Fear not, as your powerful worrywart drive will soon kick back in so you can resume your regular ceaseless fretting over insignificant minutia you can do nothing about.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 to Feb. 19): You’ve never been one who has had to worry about burning bridges: you tend to cross them before the building permit has even cleared.
Pisces (Feb. 20 to March 20): It might be time for some personal rebranding on your social media sites. The stars recommend dressing up your tendency to be a obstinate authoritarian jerk-face as “leadership skills” on LinkedIn.
Aries (March 21 to April 20): Your unquenchable lust for adoration and personal flattery will soon be your downfall you gorgeous, wonderful, clever thing, you.
Taurus (April 21 to May 21): Try to eat a more balanced diet. Balanced across the color wheel, I mean. When you’re finished with that bag of Cheetos, go pour yourself a glass of Blue Gatorade.
Gemini (May 22 to June 21): After a sales clerk refuses to laugh at your witty joke, remind him or her how close they are to being replaced by a robot.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Practice being spontaneous. Not because it will actually make your life better – it will just allow you to make all of your bad decisions very, very quickly and get them over with.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): You tend to not take yourself very seriously, and other people probably shouldn’t either.