Horoscopes

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Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

Tension will be in the air as your roommates nag you about the dirty dishes you left in the sink for literally one second. Try staying calm by either locking yourself in your room or using high-powered noise canceling headphones.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

You may be bored and frustrated with your life’s decisions. Keep a pillow on hand at all times to scream into and punch when people around you get really annoying. Ignore their horrified and confused expressions and go on your way.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):

Staying optimistic and energetic is going to be difficult for you. Load up on energy drinks, pure, unadulterated coffee and be on the look out for those opportunities when you kinda fall but not really, but are super wired after it happens.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):

You will have money problems this week. A lot of them might have to do with when you got really drunk and spent a bunch of money buying macaroni and cheese grilled cheese for all those people you thought were your “new best friends.”

Libra (23 Sept. – Oct. 22):

Your job might cause you stress this week. It’s your boss – incompetent and annoying is the best way to describe him. Suck it up, it’s a job. It’s supposed to be that way.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

You’re especially in tune with the environment this week. It’s probably because Starbucks brought Pumpkin Spice Lattes back and you’ve regained your ability to “even.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

You will feel extremely charitable today. Go crazy, just keep one eye on your friends and the other on the horoscopes to find out when they’ll feel charitable enough for you to benefit from it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

You will be the victim of gossip this week. It’s not necessarily bad stuff. But we have this one story about you that you will just not believe. We heard about it and could not believe you could do something like that!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):

You might be quick to anger this week. Let people know as soon as you begin your conversation so you can prime them before you launch into a barrage that will make them question your sanity.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):

You and your partner will be experiencing a “difference of opinion” this week. Give in, for the love of god, give in. Cut your losses, run, say you were wrong and apologize. You do not want face the consequences of not apologizing.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):

Go out and hang out with your friends. They’re worried, you’ve been watching too much Netflix and you’re starting to turn away mid-conversation to talk to an imaginary audience like Frank Underwood on House of Cards. It’s cool, but not everyone gets it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Life will be stressful with assignments this week. Put down the horoscopes and get back to homework.

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