Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
When going out with friends, choose an outfit that says something about who you are, such as, “My entire personality is a tacky dumpster of cliches.”
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You could be taken aback by a situation that pops up unexpectedly. Have a talk with your roommate about not buying those gross unfrosted PopTarts.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Tensions arise in your personal life. Try yoga to relax.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
You could feel strange about demands that are being made of you. Avoid downward dog and a visibly distraught Sagittarius.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
If you choose to take a backseat, be sure to check the cab driver’s license.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Let go of what is no longer working for you. If the horse is dead, dismount. Or at the very least, beat it hard enough that its incessant twitching might have a shot at imitating life.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
You might want to check over your official enrollment a little more carefully, Aries. Your major is listed as, “American History” not, “Embarrassing Histrionics,” though the latter might be a bit better suited to your faculties.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
You often practice turning the other cheek when others do you wrong, but only because your intended comeback was too cruel and you’ve decided to let them live … for now.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You display an unusual knack for identifying people who may become mean and nasty under pressure. The mean and nasty can always readily identify the meaner and nastier, after all.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You may need to clear the air with a specific person or possibly a group of people. Apologize for eating all that Thai food yesterday.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Your new gig as a nude art model might not go as smoothly planned, primarily because you were never invited, but also because it’s a pottery class and they’re making ceramic coffee mugs.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
You may aid in a scientific discovery this week when a team of research biologists cordons off your apartment to investigate an old Tupperware container in your fridge for evidence.