Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
You’ve been hoping that a recent misfortune could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Under that disguise however, is something even more awful and unfortunate. Maybe just hope for a regular blessing next time.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You realize that it may be too early in the year to turn the heat on after all when two hobbits break into your apartment and throw a ring on the floor.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Your ridiculous adherence to the “double space after all periods” rule further illustrates your general inability to adapt to consensus reality.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Watch that excessive optimism, Capricorn. Sure, in some countries it might be considered good luck when a bird poops on your head, but who wants to be lucky with crap in their hair?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
At this rate, you’re likely to need an alchemist to transmute the dark circles under your eyes back into regular-looking skin. Get some sleep, Aquarius.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Dedicate some more time to your work late in the month, otherwise the only thing that will be haunting you this Halloween is the Dunning-Kruger effect.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
A sense of eerie disbelief overtakes you late in the week when you decide to search for something on Tumblr and, for the first time ever, the results aren’t mostly porn.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Your life has been hilarious lately, Taurus. You’re a never-ending source of emotional slapstick humor for those around you. Is there anything people aren’t laughing at you for?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
This week you will experience a bonding moment with a stranger over something you previously thought was very embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You begin to think about resume-bolstering opportunities when you realize that “eats a lot of pizza” and “good at having feelings” are your only real skills.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Everyone should dress in a way that makes them feel confident and sexy. The viking helmet and feather boa might be a bit much for a daytime look, however.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Your inner child is plotting behind your back with all of your imaginary friends to overthrow the tyrannical rule of your guilty conscience. Offer them amnesty.