Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
It may be time to think about looking for a new apartment. I’m sure you like your current apartment just fine, but the pest control provision in your lease is not going to cover the strange creeping eldritch entities infesting your utility closet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
There is absolutely an axe murderer behind your shower curtain. He doesn’t want to kill you, though. He’s just out of shampoo and wants to use a little of yours. You won’t even notice it’s gone.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
You lie awake at night thinking of a way to tell your upstairs neighbors that their noise level is making it difficult to sleep lately. Perhaps belatedly, you realize that you live in a one-story house.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
It is unwise to judge others for being awkward and shy. Remember: no one plans a murder out loud.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):
Sure, everyone may act all excited about All Hallows’ Eve, but the minute you summon a few spirits and wake the sleeping dead you’re a “necromancer” and “ruining the party again.”
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
After improperly translating an incantation, you find that you have accidentally summoned Santa Claus. If you had paid better attention in introductory Latin, maybe this Christmas wouldn’t have to be so awkward.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Your Halloween costume party is ruined when your weird neighbor shows up in a homemade version of Rihanna’s CFDA Swarovski dress made only from saran wrap and stick-on rhinestones.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You consider that you need to make an effort to be more outgoing when the highlight of your Halloween is your friend texting you the word, “Boo.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Remember to drink lots of milk. The Skeleton War is coming.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Statistically speaking, you are almost always within a 3-foot radius of at least one spider. Look around. If you don’t see a spider, that’s because it’s already on you.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Invest in a waterproof mascara that won’t smear when you are dragged to your doom by the ghost that lives in the bathroom on the first floor of your dorm.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
Curiosity killed the cat. Actually, where have all of the neighbor’s cats been disappearing to lately? Better lock your doors, lest the cats are only practice.