The 5 worst drunks: Seek help

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I want to state first and foremost that every person is allotted a certain number of incredibly intoxicated nights. Although there are many different types of personalities that crawl out of the woodwork when liquor is involved, there is nothing worse than the person who is exceedingly drunk every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Don’t be that person.

I also want to begin by prefacing that by making fun of these different types of drunks, in no way am I passing any judgment. I have found myself taking up many of these personas depending on the alcohol I am consuming, as well as the mood I’m in before taking on Aggieville. It would be morally confusing for readers to pass judgment if they had ever seen me on the weekends.

It’s only fair to begin with the drunk we all know and (hate) the most:

1: The ones who insist they are okay to drive. No. Just, no. There’s no need for me to spit out facts about how many people die due to alcohol related accidents (one every 51 minutes). Get it through your thick skull that if you have been drinking and you try and drive while I’m around, your keys will be flushed down the toilet faster than you can say “What the …” Feel free to use your imagination as to how that sentence might be finished. Rant over. It is always a good idea to have some sort of safe ride in mind before going out. When all else fails, call a taxi or catch a SafeRide bus.

2: The ones who get sick. I’m sorry if someone doesn’t know his or her own tolerance or if, by mistake, someone has had too much to drink, but there’s nothing worse than having to hold my girlfriend’s hair back as she throws up the dinner we ate just a few hours ago. The worst part is, after they throw up, they want to apologize for it over and over again, all the while emphasizing the “s” in sorry and remnants of their vomit infested saliva catching on your cheek.

3. The ones who try and fight just about anybody. With alcohol consumption comes confidence, and for some reason many people itch just to start a fight, which can oftentimes turn into a brawl. Unlike the majority, I don’t enjoy standing around, fist pumping the air hollering “fight, fight, fight” as two people’s limbs entangle in an uncomfortable tango. Also, it’s usually the person not involved that ends up getting a handful of hair ripped out or a fist to the face. Keep the aggression to a minimum, please.

4. The ones who get scary deep on you. When I’m drinking, the last thing I want to talk about is how you’re failing out of school, your significant other just dumped you and your beloved dog Cujo just died. I’m not trying to sound cold, but if someone really has an issue going on in his or her life, please come talk to me sober. Also, you don’t want to divulge the deepest, darkest secrets out in Aggieville. I know from experience it’s a worryingly small place and just about anything you do will get back to someone you don’t want it to.

5. The ones you swear are on drugs. You know who I’m talking about: the person swaying back-and-forth unable to stand up; the person who eyes are rolling into the back of their skulls for no apparent reason, and so on. Alcohol does some strange things to people, and experiencing it firsthand is somewhat frightening. Seek help!

No matter the kind of drunk you are, please be safe! There are so many ways that a fun night can turn into a tragedy, don’t let that happen to you. Having a drunk alter-ego is a great way to break the ice, just maybe not one of the personalities listed above. Aggieville can be a wonderful place to people watch on the weekends if you keep a third party title to many of these kinds of drunks.

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