Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
There’s no problem facing you that can’t be solved with a little creative energy, a lot of determination and a rent by-the-hour bulldozer.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You save some money on a major purchase this week, but then reconsider whether you need to buy anything at all. Sure, you feel that your new purchase suits your personal style – but was a pair of Spongebob-themed Nikes really the best choice for graduate school interviews?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
You need to focus your energy on finding someone new who can really understand where you’re coming from. Maybe try one of those meet-an-inmate programs.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Before deciding to push the envelope, you should make sure the envelope actually contains something worth reading.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
A seemingly minor responsibility could turn into a much larger task than you anticipated. Try not to get too cranky about it, though: next time it will be your BFF’s turn to babysit you when you go drinking, and they’ll owe you a favor for holding their hair back for sure.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
There is a lot of renewing intellectual energy flowing through your mind this week —so much that it’s powering up your IQ much higher than your normal range. You might even be able to do half of a sudoku puzzle this week!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
You are feeling incredibly secure after reaching a new emotional milestone. To boot, your mom is way proud of you for finally remembering how to sort your laundry without calling her six times.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
When you make your mind up about a relationship, you are loyal. Maybe even loyal to a fault. Just be mindful that you don’t become loyal to the point of a restraining order.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You are the sun at the center of the solar system of your social life, and your friends are the planets. Or at least, that’s what you think. Beware the Roman Inquisition.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Take some time looking at the fine print of an important affair on Saturday or Sunday, lest it trip you up later. Make photocopies of the fine print for your records, too, lest things escalate and you wind up in small claims court.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Something you very strongly believed to be true reveals itself as party illusionary. Lately things don’t feel quite right to you, but that might just mean that you need to turn off Fox News and go outside.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
So far, you have not existed for 13.8 billion years before you were born. You will be spending an infinite amount of time not existing, after your death. Close the Netflix window, put some pants on and go catch up with a friend over coffee, you big, existential baby.
