Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You may have to pinch pennies this week and you continue to experience financial troubles. Look on the bright side: you have been spared from having to know anything about the agony millionaires suffer by having to support social services with their taxes.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
History may not always repeat itself, but if you listen closely enough, sometimes you can hear it dropping some sick rhymes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Though there’s no such thing as an inherently bad astrological aspect or a doomed planetary configuration, this does not mean that you are physically impervious to other stellar phenomena such as meteor strikes. Might want to go move your car, actually.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
You may be dragged into an unpleasant conversation about your ethics this week. Do not attempt to avoid this, as it is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. Just smile, nod, take the little orange book and whatever you do, do not bring up politics.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
You could be sending some mixed signals today as the peace-loving Libra moon encourages you to avoid unnecessary conflict while your inner Charlie Sheen encourages you to kick back a fifth of gin and push that *$#&! in front of a cyclist.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Your extreme level of emotional investment in reaching a specific goal might escape the notice of your coworkers or classmates, as they’ve long since adapted to your sudden bouts of hysteria and tendency to burst into tears at the first sign of criticism.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Dealing with restrictions placed on you by a close friend or lover may be more difficult than you anticipated. Maybe you’ll be a bit more careful with the keys for those fuzzy handcuffs next time.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
The easiest way to solve the most pressing dilemma in your life would be to tackle the small problems one at a time. However, the most efficient way would be to gather all of the small problems in one location at the same time so that there are no survivors left to ask questions.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
The stars would like to remind you to be diligently aware of the difference between iMessage and GroupMe while sexting.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
A close Virgo friend has seemed a little bit down lately. Nurture your relationship by offering to do something nice for them, like helping them with a difficult task they may be struggling with or surprising them with a night out with friends.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Beware of a suspicious Leo. Your naive and trusting Virgo nature makes you especially susceptible to subterfuge and nasty plots, so if you spend time alone with a Leo acquaintance this week, make sure you bring along something that you can quickly retrieve to defend yourself with.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
Take some time this week to just sit back, relax and reflect on all of the profound knowledge you’ve been afforded in your life and think to yourself, “man, that Fergie chick seriously knows what’s up.”