AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You’re delighted by the sudden flurry of activity all around you until you belatedly realize that all of the pigeons have diarrhea.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your childlike nature comes out to play! Make sure you consult a dictionary before working on an important paper, or at least remember not to write the entire thing in red crayon this time.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Use this weekend to “binge watch” some of your favorite dramas, such as the rapidly-shrinking circle of people who can stand you, or your parents marriage falling apart.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): If you are blessed enough to be able to follow your dreams in life, you may die choking on a triple-decker mac and cheese grilled cheese this weekend.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Most Gemini are extremely fast speakers, because even your own sentences want to get away from you as quickly as possible.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Taking a “personal health day” is a snazzy way of telling your boss that you plan to sit at home by yourself without pants on and eat Twinkies.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Get some online “thinspiration” for your new diet by checking your bank account and realizing that you can’t afford groceries this week.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your rampant hypochondria is ruining your interpersonal relationships. Maybe typing “What the hell is the matter with me?” into Web MD will help you find the answers you seek.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You are so financially unstable that you’re taking your spring break vacation on Google Street View this year.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’re not a bad person, Scorpio. You’re just doing everything you possibly can to become one.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You like to “unwind” from a stressful day with a glass of merlot, a hot bath, 15 vodka shots and no recollection of the next six to eight hours.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): The body you’ve always wanted is finally within your reach. Just remember to move it under cover of darkness, and use tarps and duct tape to avoid leaving DNA evidence.
