AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): If they can’t handle you at your worst, then they should probably just leave now because you are this awful on a pretty consistent basis.
PISCES (Feb.19 – March 20): There are good weeks, there are bad weeks and there are weeks when you’re temped to submerge yourself in a large tub of tequila until you can’t feel your teeth. Do you think a kiddie pool will fit on your balcony?
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): If you’re lucky, by Friday you may finally wake from the post-Valentine’s Day 50 percent-off-chocolate coma you’ve been in since Sunday morning. On the plus side, you’ve probably consumed enough antioxidants to render yourself effectively immortal.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): When going out to party with your friends this weekend, don’t forget the rhyme: “Beer before liquor / whatever who cares / everyone dies in the end anyway.”
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Life has had its ups and downs lately, but thankfully you’re definitely on top of things now. Mostly on top of your bed … and a bunch of pizza boxes and empty cans … probably crying.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): This Thursday promises to be a real red-letter day for you, especially if you have something monumental to celebrate, such as an engagement, a milestone birthday or hitting your snooze button less than four times in the morning. Go team Cancer!
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): You are once again in a sunny-tempered and happy-go-lucky mood. Enjoy this upbeat mindset while it lasts, and try to store away some of these nice feelings in preparation for your regularly-scheduled bi-monthly psychotic meltdown.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You may find the need to confide some of your secrets in others. Choose your confidants carefully, and resist the temptation to accept the services of a junior public defender.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You’ve been having more fun than you expected expanding your mental horizons recently. You’ve come further than you ever thought possible, so why stop now? The next time you are around the library, you might even try checking out a book with chapters and (gasp) no pictures.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Last week was an unpleasant one for you, but this week is looking great so far! Try to enjoy it before the thin haze of naive obliviousness dissipates.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): One bad apple will ruin the whole bunch. Two bad apples leave no remaining witnesses.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Practice for your philosophy exam over existentialism by going to the gym, because what could be more Sisyphean and spiritually languishing than lifting a bunch of chunks of metal with no discernible end goal?