K-State Athletics learned Tuesday that its sports teams’ losses over the last several years have not been a result of performance or ability, but rather the acts of the mysterious group, “The Illuminati.”
The secret society issued a statement to K-State Athletics Tuesday that included documents dated and signed prior to all Wildcat losses over the “last several years,” according to university officials.
The group cites Bramlage Coliseum as major factor for their decision to harass the university’s sports teams.
“If you haven’t noticed, Bramlage Coliseum is an octagon – despicable,” one Illuminati member said. “Our society was founded on the principles of triangles. We will continue to harass K-State until the basketball stadium is remodeled into a triangle.”
The report included detailed accounts of each and every loss, and the society’s reasoning. Most noticeable was K-State men’s basketball’s loss to Long Beach State this season, which the Illuminati said was done in hopes the university would mimic Long Beach State’s stadium, which is structured as a pyramid.
When reminded that a pyramid isn’t a triangle, the Illuminati source said, “Well, it’s like a bunch of triangles rolled into one. Much better than an octagon, which does nothing to honor our tradition and legacy.”
Other reasons listed for the harassment include: K-State’s 2025 vision, John Currie’s styled hair, head men’s basketball coach Bruce Weber’s raspy postgame voice, 16 football goals rather than three, Willie the Wildcat as mascot and not an oversized eye, and junior guard Brian Rohleder not starting despite his easy-to-identify work ethic.
The Illuminati source did add that the society has long been “troubled” by having to steal wins from head football coach Bill Snyder, who they call a “gentle spirit and certainly the most interesting man in the universe.”
K-State Athletics Director John Currie issued the following statement in response to the harassment:
“That’s not very nice.”
Disclaimer: This article is an April Fools’ joke and is not meant to be taken seriously.