Fishing, swimming and … full-body nudity? Tuesday, Tuttle Creek State Park officials announced they want to establish a new park rule enabling those aching to get down to nothing but their birthday suit to do so on their public beaches this summer.
Although the idea of nude beaches has remained largely taboo in most of the U.S., officials said they think this new law will alleviate some of the state’s current conservative stereotypes.
In recent years, fewer and fewer outdoorsmen have found refuge at Tuttle Creek. Director of Park Affairs Gregory Hawkins said he hopes that the plethora of young, fit, naked people will bring in more visitors this summer.
“What better way to attract tourists than with attractive tourists?” Hawkins said.
After brainstorming a multitude of ideas for the park to bring in more tourists, including building a wakeboarding facility, bringing in a cigarette boat racing team and offering free snorkeling, it was decided that nude beaches would be the best ploy to make Tuttle Creek the most fun attraction this summer.
Boy Scouts of America members are some of the most regular visitors to Tuttle Creek and were surveyed about what additions they would like to better their experience. The overwhelming response in the write-in section helped lead to this exciting park development.
“I’m just happy we can do this for the community,” Hawkins said. “A lot of people these days are too busy surfing the web and looking at websites to come enjoy the outdoors. This is one small way we can make the outdoors seem more familiar, more like the Internet.”
Hawkins also said mandatory lifeguards will be required at each beach this summer, and wearing a swimsuit for the employees is optional.
“We don’t want to discriminate against any of our workers,” Hawkins said. “Can you imagine rescuing someone who is naked, but being forced to wear a swimsuit yourself? Can you even imagine? It’s hypocritical! Also, it’s quite frankly a safety issue. Our lifeguards have to react fast, and any unnecessary clothing only serves to slow them down.”
Sex therapist Dianna Reddings said new problems arise for students if this rule were to be enforced.
“It’ll be one large mating ground, or beach, or whatever you want to call it,” Reddings said. “Imagine the rise we would see in sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies and overall sexually activity if students were allowed to lay out with their junk out.”
Naturists and free-spirits alike have come together in support of the new rule. Daisy Childmoon, senior in business, declared that it would do nothing but help the community.
“You can be sure to find me anywhere clothing is optional,” Childmoon said.
Childmoon has battled with law enforcement on several occasions after sunbathing in the nude on Anderson Lawn and streaking in the quad. This rule would give her, and many other nudists, the opportunity to be naked in more than just the privacy of their own homes.
“I cannot wait to get sand where the sun don’t shine,” Childmoon said. “But really, getting sand in my butt crack is the worst.”
Disclaimer: This article is an April Fools’ Day joke and is not meant to be taken seriously.